2022: Political Jokes in the People’s Republic of China

Political joke fans may want to look at other collections of political jokes on this translation blog as well:

You may enjoy also the article “How Chinese Citizens Use Puns to Pet Past Censors” by Meaghan Tobin and Katherine Lee.


Political Jokes in the People’s Republic of China

From Pseudogeek Library

Political jokes in the People’s Republic of China, derived from Soviet political jokes. (No hint of Russian father)

Contents

  • 1 General Secretaries
  • 1.1 Mao Zedong
  • 1.2 Jiang Zemin
  • 1.3 Hu Jintao
  • 1.4 Xi Jinping
  • 1.4.1 Related sensitive words
  • 2 Chinese characteristics
  • 2.1 Leadership
  • 2.2 Sensitive words
  • 2.3 Freedom of speech
  • 2.4 Fairness and Justice
  • 3 Socialism
  • 3.1 Chinese Communist Party
  • 3.2 Political Movements
  • 4 Strong Country Quotes
  • 5 Extended Reading
  • 6 External Links

General Secretaries

Mao Zedong

We should give Mao Zedong to the enemy!

If he had died in ’45, China would have had 6 million less war deaths; if he had died in ’58, 30 million less starvation deaths; if he had died in ’66, 20 million less fighting deaths; and it wasn’t until ’76 that we finally had food to eat. The only thing he did right was, die.

People: Why did you arrest Liu Xiaobo?

State Security: Because we suspected him of subverting state power.

People: Then why did you hang up that big picture of Mao Zedong at Tiananmen to commemorate him?

State Security: Because he really subverted state power.

Before his death, Chairman Mao called Deng Xiaoping to his bedside and said, “Pingping, there is one thing I can’t rest assured about, I’m worried that some comrades in the Party won’t want to follow you.”

Xiaoping replied, “Don’t worry, Brother Dong, I’ll let them go along with you to the netherworld if they don’t want to follow me!”

Hu Jintao went to see Mao Zedong, pulled open the crystal coffin and said: Brother Mao, in the sky missile constantly fly, in south freezing rain brings floods, the Dalai Lama is stirring up all kinds of trouble in Qinghai and in the Tibet Autonomous Region, Taiwan wants to go it alone, the stock market is in chaos, prices continue to rise, milk powder has destroyed babies’ lives, local government is brutal. What should I do?

Mao said: You come in, I’ll go out and scare the bastards to death.

As soon as Lin Biao fell, the whole country began to “criticize Lin Biao and criticize Confucius”, and local farmers in Shandong also took to the podium to angrily denounce Lin Biao’s crimes. An old farmer spoke: “Lin Biao, Lin Biao, you are wearing the cloak of Marxism-Leninism! Do you know that only the great leader Chairman Mao can wear the coat of Marxism-Leninism, how dare you wear it?”

The infinite power of Mao Zedong Thought can even overcome incurable diseases! –Baichi Film Studio 1969 documentary “The Triumphant Triumph of Chairman Mao’s Proletarian Sanitary Line

Twentieth Century Massacre Contest: 3rd place – Hitler, 2nd place – Stalin, 1st place – Mao Zedong!

Jiang Zemin

To renew the life of the elders please click: +1s

Jiang Zemin Combs his hair as the King of Spain looks on.

When Jiang Zemin visited Spain in 1996 and reviewed the Praetorian Guard with King Carlos of Spain, he suddenly took out a comb and combed his hair in front of the King. At the welcome state banquet, Jiang Zemin again combed his hair in front of the camera lens. Spain’s number one newspaper, Diario Nacional, published a front-page picture: “King Carlos watches Jiang Zemin combing his hair”.

In 1999, Jiang Zemin visited England before going to France. He said: The air here is very good, there is natural gas (natural gas, slang for fart) everywhere. –The network segment does not believe in rumors, not rumors. Please indicate the content of the unverifiable and compelling truth. If it is marked as an “Internet segment”, cherish your life.

When he was the mayor of Shanghai, he once accompanied a foreign guest to a park and pointed his finger at the young people in the park who were in love and said, in English, “They are making love.

When Jiang Zemin was the president of the country, he went out for personal reasons one day and thought the driver was driving too slow, so he urged him to drive faster several times. But because of the traffic congestion, he still could not be satisfied. Finally, Jiang Zemin grabbed the steering wheel, pushed the driver to the back and drove up himself. He rampaged all the way, causing chaos.

Someone called the traffic director about the situation. The director was furious and questioned the traffic police in the lot.

Director: “Did you see the perpetrator?”

Police officer: “Yes, I saw him.”

Director: “Why didn’t you arrest him?”

Policeman: “I dare not?”

Director: “Why?”

Policeman: “He’s a big official.”

Director: “How big?”

Policeman: “I don’t know, anyway Jiang Zemin is his driver.” — web segment

Hu Jintao

It is said that Hu Jintao visited the countryside, he wanted to know the loyalty of the people to the party, so he asked a farmer: “If you have two acres of land, are you willing to dedicate one of them to the great party?”

The farmer replied, “Oh, yes, I would.”

Then Hu asked, “If you have two houses, will you give one of them to the Party?”

The farmer replied, “Yes, I would.”

Hu asked again, “If you have two cars, will you give one of them to the Party?”

The farmer replied, “I am willing.”

Hu also asked, “If you had two cows, would you give one of them to the Party?”

The farmer replied, “No, I can’t.”

Hu wondered, “If you are willing to give an acre of land, a house, and a car, why won’t you give one cow?”

The farmer said, “Because I really have two cows!”

Xi Jinping

Get more dairy products, please burst open → Xi banned comments

When the phone rang at Xi Jinping’s residence, Peng Liyuan picked up the receiver and a woman’s voice came through.

Wife: “Who is this?”

Woman: “I’m his classmate from Tsinghua University.”

Wife: “You are definitely not his classmate from Tsinghua University, and when did President Xi ever go to Tsinghua University.”

At the Politburo meeting, Xi Jinping said enthusiastically, “Comrades say my book Xi Jinping on Governance is well written, get me the whole set  and I’ll read it someday.”

Q: What will happen when the crocodile eats Xi Jinping?

A: The crocodile will shit a twenty-meter-long list of books. –from Pinnacle Onion

All the villagers of a village in the south were besieged by a flood for several days, and no one came to the rescue even after making many phone calls. One villager desperately sent a message on Weibo: “Xi Jinping I * your mother f**!” In less than half an hour he was “rescued” by the police.

A bun will always reveal its hidden parts in the end. –from Twitter

Xi down, Han up [ 韓國瑜 Han Kuo-yu former KMT mayor of Taipei]  , China gets rich! — From Twitter

The cool breeze is illiterate so why does it have to keep aimlessly flipping through pages of books? — from Twitter. [Translator’s note: In the text 庆丰不识字,何必乱翻书 apparently a misquote of 清風[qingfeng] 不識字,何必亂翻書 which translates as “The cool breze is illiterate so why does it have to keep aimlessly flipping through pages of books?” This sentence got Qing Dynasty poet Xu Juan 徐駿 in trouble because the same qing chracter is used for ‘cool’ modifying breeze as in Qing Dynasty. Some officials thought this was a hidden criticism of the Qing government. Xu Juan was executed for this and another phrase in a poem that could be interpreted as hinting that the previous dynasty (the Ming) was better. This Google Translate machine translation of the Wikipedia article on Xu Juan can give you some idea about his case. Brutal censorship in China didn’t start with the communists. More discusion on the Chinese website Juduo, if you are sino-illiterate you can also read this GT translation if you like.]

Those who can stab the oligarch’s faults in the face will be punished by death. Anyone who can write a letter to blacken the name of the widow shall be sentenced to imprisonment for a term not exceeding ten years. Anyone who can slander and ridicule the court and hear the ears of the emperor shall be sentenced to less than fifteen days of administrative detention. –from Twitter

The one who is the sole color. — The picture of Xi Jinping on the front page of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs on April 4, 2020, the National Day of Mourning, is in color.

On March 31, 2020, Beijing announced a 14-day home or centralized observation for all members returning to Beijing from other provinces and cities, without exception and without discrimination. 

Hot comment: The President just came to Zhejiang, should he return to Beijing for 14 days of home isolation? Equal treatment? Don’t say too much. The comment was later deleted.

Politically Sensitive Words

“For example, the State Information Office once sent 350,000 sensitive words and asked for a new inventory, all 350,000 of which were about Xi Jinping.” — Former Sina Weibo content reviewer Liu Lipeng in an interview with the Voice of America

Zhihu’s question “How to clean the thin-necked bottle” was deleted, and the word “thin-necked bottle” was blocked by Baidu. [apparently could be read as “Learn from the thin-necked bottle” 细颈瓶  a homonym for Xi Jinping

Zhihu’s “Learn Osei question” became a sensitive word and was blocked.

A website recipe: “… After the pan *** bottom pan, put a piece of toast …” . Sensitive words: wash flat   洗净平 [homonym for Xi Jinping]

Chinese Specialties

It is said that in the last will and testament left by Bin Laden, he also said that China is the only country in the world that cannot be messed with, because there were 8 elite terrorists who had been trained for 10 years to attack China, but they all came back without success.

  • The first terrorist, who bombed the Beijing overpass, spun out on the bridge.
  • The second, when bombing a bus in Shanghai, failed to squeeze on board.
  • The third, when bombing a supermarket in Shaanxi, the controller of the bomb was stolen.
  • The fourth, when preparing to bomb a building in Chongqing, was beaten up by security guards who said, “I dare you to make trouble! I dare you to complain!” .
  • The fifth, in Shanxi successfully bombed the mine, the entire casualties more than 100, happy to sneak back to the base, but waited six months without any news, and finally was executed by the base for “cheating the organization.
  • The sixth, intended to cause an explosion in Guangzhou, but only just off the train, the bag was snatched by flying car thieves, frozen half a day and can not come back to mind.
  • The seventh, bombing Tieling in Liaoning, just went to the crooks to lame.
  • The eighth went to Henan, but ended up bumping into human traffickers, and has not been heard from since.

Finally bin Laden could not stand it, decided to raise terrorists in China from childhood, but what he did not expect was that soon after they were born, they were poisoned by poison milk powder from Sanlu!

Bin Laden concluded, “Don’t mess with China, ever!”

You are full of negative energy and need me to inject positive energy into you. — Song Shanmu

Mainlanders: remember when Taiwan’s bananas were stagnant, the mainland actively purchasing them and letting Hainan bananas rot in the ground? The mainland is so good to you, do you want to unify?

Taiwan people: of course not, the mainland is so bad to their own people, unification, one day our bananas will also rot in the ground ……

I’ll lead the way when the American army comes, I’ll enlist when the national army comes, and I’ll take poison when the communist army comes. — Poster

Because now our country with Africa funds scholarships for Africans at a low level, if a year costs a person only about 100,000 yuan, right, he gets only 100,000 yuan. — Hu Biliang, director of the Institute of Emerging Markets and Director of the Institute of Development Studies at Beijing Normal University

2020-1997=50 – Criticism of Hong Kong’s national security law violates one country, two systems

Reporter: Hello comrade, we are from CCTV.

Citizen: Oh, I know. I’m very happy, I’m very happy! — CCTV reporter street interview

Q: Friend, do you often go on Weibo?

A: Of course, how else would I know that we are leading a happy life?

Looking at her tanned child, her mother smiled heartily. The state also subsidizes 300,000 yuan a year for college entrance exams. If you can’t have a red generation [a second generation of communists], it’s a good choice to have a black generation [can be read as a second generation of gangsters].

The Indian poll shows that 72% of the people believe that India’s military power can beat China.

A: The remaining 28% are Indian traitors, Chinese slaves, surrenderists, publicists, public intellectuals,  paid-off running dogs, brown-skinned, yellow-hearted cornucopians. –Knowledge Q&A

Heavenly spirits and earthly spirits, inviting the ancestors to reveal their spirits.

Lead 100,000 soldiers in iron armor and level the base camp of the American Empire!

North Korean political jokes

A professor at Kim Il Sung University asked his students how many kinds of political and economic systems there are in the world now. The student replied, “There are three, one is capitalist, one is our socialist one in North Korea, and one is China’s mixed capitalist and socialist one”. The professor then asked, “So which of these three systems is the most superior?” The student said, “That’s not a good question.” The professor angrily reprimanded, “How is it not easy to answer? There is no doubt that our socialist system in North Korea is the most superior, and it will definitely conquer Asia and the world in the future.” Next, the student had to answer stiffly, “Although our system is indeed the most superior, I am just a little worried that if all the other systems are replaced by us, who will provide food relief for us in the future?”

Leader

Excuse me: can you tell us why leaders like to have meetings when they have nothing to do?

Because any group of incompetent people can only give the impression that they are accomplishing something when they hold a meeting.. –Shake Video

Luo Tao, former director of Wuhan Municipal Bureau of Local Taxation, was investigated, and a large safe at home could never be opened. A knowledgeable prosecutor said: this is a voice-activated lock, the password is over eight words long. So the case officer took turns guessing to try: “people do not for already, heaven and earth”, “sesame open, sesame open”, “heaven bless, promotion and wealth,” “eight immortals across the sea, each show their magic”, “people die for money, birds die for food” … All to no avail!

There is no choice but to escort Director Luo to the scene. He cleared his throat and read aloud in thick Xunxian: “Clean and honest, ruling for the people!” The safe door should be opened, full of gold and silver jewelry and stunning the crowd. –Network segment

Tongxian Town Party Committee Secretary Zhou Lin own special toilet.

County Party Secretary Liu Cai and female cadres naked in bed OOXX photos show up on the Internet.  The local government announced the results of the investigation online: said the county party secretary and female cadres in bed is to talk about work, although each time the female cadres are naked, is the female cadres themselves indiscretion, deliberately take the opportunity to talk about work naked seduce the county party secretary, the county party secretary did not have sex with female cadres, so the county party secretary in bed with female cadres to talk about work, although not the Commission, but does not belong to the violation of discipline.

Sensitive words

A blogger can not send microblogging “a box of puppies, a total of five, ……” The screenshot was taken for help, and the comments prompted the sensitive word “dog”.

Article 35 of the Constitution of the People’s Republic of China: Citizens of the People’s Republic of China have the freedom of speech, of publication, of assembly, of association, of procession and of demonstration.

According to the relevant laws, regulations and policies, the following Baidu bars were banned: Speech Bar, Assembly Bar, Procession Bar, Demonstration Bar, Freedom Bar, China Bar, Chinese Bar, People’s Bar, Republic Bar, Republic Bar, People’s Republic of China Bar, Constitution Bar, Constitution of the People’s Republic of China Bar, Freedom of Expression Bar, Procession and Demonstration Bar, Procession and Assembly Bar, and Association Bar was restricted from access.

A website literary editor received a complaint: “Why is Gu Cheng’s poem not allowed to be commented upon?”

The editor said, “Yes, is there a sensitive word that is blocked?”

The other party immediately got anxious: “I just wrote one sentence: the dark night will always pass, the light is eternal. Which word is sensitive? Darkness, light, or eternity?”

The editor replied calmly, “Nightclub.”

Freedom of speech

Hua Chunying: “Feel free to come to China anytime and talk to anyone on the street and enjoy your freedom.” Brendan Carr: I’d like to chat with the following people, Xie Linka, Dr.Ai Fen, Chen Qiushi and Fang Bin, Li Zehua/Kcriss Li, Xu Zhiyong, Ren Zhiqiang and Xu Zhangrun.

How to tell whether Beijing is hot or not?  Look at the Xinhua News Agency’s circulars. — Weibo netizens’ hot comments

The Heavenly Kingdom’s edition of “The Whistleblower” was deleted from the whole network.

A few days ago, a group of old classmates gathered. One classmate was a small leader in an Internet monitoring agency. I asked them what the unit does. He said he was in charge of finding people who were causing trouble online and discontent with the government.

Another student said to him, “You mean there are still people who are happy with the government?” He said, “Yes, there are, but that part is not under our control, that is under the jurisdiction of the Committee for Discipline Inspection.”

A Chinese resident was administratively detained, and when he ran to complain and ask why, the authorities told him, “Because you have slandered the Chinese government.” 

“How did I slander it?”

“We have the records: you have claimed on the phone several times that the government wiretapped your calls.”

— If someone traveled back a month or so, could they have stopped this COVID outbreak? 

— He would be the 9th disinformation monger. –March 2020 Weibo segment

Justice

If you wear a condom, it doesn’t count as rape. — Zhong Xiancong, an instructor at the police station in A-shi Township, Bijie City, Guizhou Province.

“Your act of typing is an act of subversion of state power.” A prosecutor’s office staff replied to Wang Quanzhang’s questioning.

— Then why is the Chinese government so afraid of dissenting opinions? 

–We are not afraid of any dissenting opinions. 

–Then why are there political prisoners in China? 

–There are no political prisoners in China, no one is imprisoned for political disagreement, and those who are imprisoned and serve time are imprisoned for violating Chinese law. 

      — A Chinese ambassador answers questions in a broadcast interview.

On June 23, 2010, in front of the Hubei Provincial Party Committee compound, Chen Yulian, 58, the wife of the deputy director of the Hubei Provincial Political and Legal Committee’s Comprehensive Governance Office, was mistaken for a petitioner and beaten by police for 16 minutes. -Yangcheng Evening News

Socialism

Q: What is the superiority of our socialist system?

A: It has succeeded in overcoming difficulties that would not have occurred under other social systems.

Junior Communists: — “The people’s wisdom is not mature enough for democracy.” — “You mean to be aware of this situation?”

 — “No, I mean to improve the situation!”

Intermediate Communists: — “The people’s wisdom is not yet mature enough for democracy.” — “You mean to improve the situation?”

 — “No, I mean to keep it that way!”

Senior Communists: — “The people’s wisdom is not yet mature enough for democracy.” — “You mean to keep it that way?” 

— “No, I mean to make it even more so!”

The Chinese spy boasted to the American spy, “We know the locations of all the nuclear missile silos in your country.”

The American spy said, “So what, we know the names of your country’s presidents for the next 20 years.”

Are you going to speak for the Party, or are you going to speak out for the people? — Lu Jun, deputy director of Zhengzhou City Planning Bureau

The Five Principles of Socialism; don’t think, if you think, don’t say it, if you say it, don’t write it down, if you write it down, don’t sign it, and if you sign it, don’t be surprised by what happen.

Socialism is good, socialism is good! The people of a socialist country  have high status. — Lyrics of the song “Socialism is good” [via Google Translate]  

Singing “Socialism is Good”

Communist Party of China

Top Eunuch power behind the throne Li Lianying asked Empress Dowager Ci Xi: My dear Old Buddha, why do we still want to be pro-Russian when Russia invaded our territory and killed our Chinese people? Why do we still want to be anti-American when the United States helped China build schools, repeatedly helped save China from the death of Russia, and spread advanced ideas to China? 

Ci Xi replied: Russia was anti-China but it was not against the imperial court, the United States is pro-China but it is against the imperial court. Li Lianying: She really does understand! The old Buddha is wise, long live the old Buddha ~ those who do not love the old Buddha are traitors!

Even though a time comes when you have no more to report about your parent’s ideological position, there is no end to reporting on how wondrous is the kindness of the Chinese Communist Party!

The most essential feature of socialism with Chinese characteristics is the leadership of the Communist Party of China, the greatest advantage of the socialist system with Chinese characteristics is the leadership of the Communist Party of China. –Socialism with Chinese characteristics theory

Political Movement

Sun Jingxuan: “Fuck! This one is also a rightist, that one is also a rightist, whoever has the guts to make me a rightist just try!

Someone reported this to higher authority, and he was made out to be a rightist because of that.

Quotations from a Powerful Country

China’s human rights are at least five times better than those of the United States. — Sha Zukang

China is the world’s largest democracy. –Queiyang Magazine, November 2017

“China’s socialist democracy is the broadest, truest and most effective kind of democracy, the kind that safeguards the fundamental interests of the people.” — General Secretary Xi Jinping distinctly stated in the report of the 19th Party Congress.

We have so many people, we have such a big country, one that is so rich in resources. You have heard that we have engaged in socialism, which is said to be superior, and as a result, if we can’t surpass the United States after 50 or 60 years. What do you look like? Then you should be expelled from the planet! — Mao Zedong’s speech at the preparatory meeting of the First Session of the Eighth National Congress of the Communist Party of China, August 30, 1956

[Fuller Mao quote:

What is our objective in uniting with all the forces that can be united, inside and outside the Party and at home and abroad? It is to build a great socialist country. A country like ours may and ought to be described as “great”. Our Party is a great Party, our people a great people, our revolution a great revolution, and our construction is great, too. Only one country on this globe has a population of 600 million, and that is China. In the past there were reasons for others to look down upon us. For we had little to contribute, steel output registered only several hundred thousand tons a year, and even that was in the hands of the Japanese. Under the despotic rule of Chiang Kai-shek’s Kuomintang, which lasted twenty-two years, steel output was only some tens of thousands of tons a year. We still don’t have much steel, but a promising start has been made. Output this year will be over four million tons, it will hit the five million mark next year, will exceed ten million tons after the Second Five-Year Plan and is likely to top twenty million after the Third. We must work hard to reach this target. There are about a hundred countries in the world, but only a few produce over twenty million tons of steel a year. Therefore, once built up, China will be a great socialist country and will radically transform the situation in which for over a century it was backward, despised and wretched. Moreover, it will be able to catch up with the most powerful capitalist country in the world, the United States. The United States has a population of only 170 million, and as we have a population several times larger, are similarly rich in resources and are favoured with more or less the same kind of climate, it is possible for us to catch up with the United States. Oughtn’t we catch up? Definitely yes. What are your 600 million people doing? Dozing? Which is right, dozing or working? If working is the answer, why can’t you with your 600 million people produce 200 or 300 million tons of steel when they with their population of 170 million can produce 100 million tons? If you fail to catch up, you cannot justify yourselves and you will not be so glorious or great. The United States has a history of only one hundred and eighty years, and sixty years ago it too produced four million tons of steel, so we are sixty years behind. Given fifty or sixty years, we certainly ought to overtake the United States. This is an obligation. You have such a big population, such a vast territory and such rich resources, and what is more, you are said to be building socialism, which is supposed to be superior; if after working at it for fifty or sixty years you are still unable to overtake the United States, what a sorry figure you will cut! You should be read off the face of the earth. Therefore, to overtake the United States is not only possible, but absolutely necessary and obligatory. If we don’t, the Chinese nation will be letting the nations of the world down and we will not be making much of a contribution to mankind.

Mao Zedong’s speech at the preparatory meeting of the First Session of the Eighth National Congress of the Communist Party of China “STRENGTHEN PARTY UNITY AND CARRY FORWARD PARTY TRADITIONS”, August 30, 1956 translation from marxists.org

End extended quote.]

Like a thief, exhausted; the U.S. came up with the most shameless move: blocking and banning!

So now the shooting in the United States, from college to high school to elementary school, you still read what ah? China also a bunch of tycoons still send their children to the United States to study, you are not daredevils careless of death ah? — Chen Ping

Daredevils careless of death: Chen Ping, Xi Jinping (Peng Liyuan), Jiang Zemin …..

.

Extended Reading

External Links

  • Twitter: an inventory of events in China’s written prison [here recommending the Chinese language Twitter feed @SpeechFreedomCN

中华人民共和国政治笑话

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中华人民共和国政治笑话,脱胎于苏联政治笑话。(没有暗示俄爹)

Contents

总书记[edit]

毛泽东[edit]

  • 我们应该把毛泽东送给敌人!
  • 如果他45年死,中国少战死600万;58年死,少饿死3000万;66年死,少斗死2000万;直到76年才死,我们才终于有饭吃。他做的唯一正确的一件事就是,死了。
  • 民众:你们为什么抓刘晓波

国安:因为我们怀疑他颠覆国家政权。民众:那你们为什么把毛泽东挂在天安门上纪念?国安:因为他真的颠覆了国家政权。

  • 毛主席临终前把邓小平叫到床边说:“平平,有件事我放心不下,我担心党内有些同志不愿跟着你走。”

小平回答:“放心吧,东哥,不愿跟我走的我让他跟你走!”

  • 胡锦涛去看毛泽东,拉开水晶棺说:毛哥,天上导弹不断,南方冻雨泛滥,青藏达赖乱窜,台湾想要单干,股市一片混乱,房价涨价不断,奶粉婴儿命断,地方政府蛮干,我该咋办?

毛说:你进来,我出去,吓死这群王八蛋。

  • 林彪刚一倒台,全国就开始“批林批孔”了,山东当地的农民也走上讲台愤怒声讨林彪的罪行。一位老农发言说:“林彪啊林彪,你披着马列主义的外衣!你知道不知道,马列主义的外衣,只有伟大领袖毛主席才能披,你这个家伙怎么也敢披?!”
  • 毛泽东思想的无穷威力,甚至可以战胜不治之症!——八一电影制片厂1969年纪录片《毛主席无产阶级卫生路线的胜利凯歌》
  • 二十世纪屠杀竞赛:第3名——希特勒,第2名——斯大林,第1名——毛泽东!

江泽民[edit]

长者续命请点击:+1s

  • 1996年江泽民访问西班牙,与西班牙国王卡洛斯一起检阅禁卫军时,突然拿出一把梳子在国王面前梳理头发。在欢迎国宴上,江泽民再次在摄影机镜头前梳头。西班牙第一大报《国家日报》以头版头条刊出新闻图片:《卡洛斯国王看江泽民梳头》。

卡洛斯国王看江泽民梳头

  • 1999年江泽民去法国之前先到英国访问。他说:这里空气很好,到处都是natural gas(天然气,俚语中是放屁的意思)。——网络段子不信谣,不传谣。无法查证的迫真内容请注明。如标注为“网络段子”,珍爱生命。
  • 在任上海市长期间,有一次陪同外宾去公园游览,用手指着公园里谈恋爱的年轻人说:他们在make love。——网络段子
  • 江泽民还是国家主席的时候,一天因私外出,嫌司机车开的太慢,催促了好几次。但因交通拥挤,还是不能让他满意。最后江泽民一把抢过方向盘,把司机推到后面,自己开起来。他一路横冲直撞,造成一片混乱。

有人打电话向交通局长反映。局长大怒,质问该地段交警。局长:“看到肇事者没有?”警察:“看到了。”局长:“为什么不逮捕他?”警察:“我不敢?”局长:“为什么?”警察:“他的官很大。”局长:“有多大?”警察:“不知道,反正江泽民是他的司机。”——网络段子

胡锦涛[edit]

  • 话说胡锦涛到农村视察,他想知道人民对党的忠诚度,就问一位农夫:“如果你有两亩田地,你愿意奉献其中一亩给伟大的党吗?”

农夫答:“噢,是的,我愿意。”胡又问:“如果你有两幢房屋,你愿意奉献其中一幢给党吗?”农夫答:“是的,我愿意。”胡又问:“如果你有两部汽车,你愿意奉献其中一部给党吗?”农夫答:“我愿意。”胡又问:“如果你有两头牛,你愿意奉献一头给党吗?”农夫答:“不,我不能。”胡感奇怪地问:“你既然肯奉献一亩田、一幢房子、一部车,为什么不肯奉献一头牛呢?”农夫说:“因为我真的有两头牛啊!”

习近平[edit]

获取更多乳制品,请突开→习禁评

  • 在习近平的住宅里响起了电话铃声,彭丽媛拿起了话筒,传来了一个女人的声音。

妻子:“你是哪位?”女人:“我是他的清华大学的同班同学。”妻子:“你肯定不是他的清华大学同学,习主席什么时候也没上过清华大学。”

  • 在政治局会议上,习近平兴致勃勃地说:“同志们都说我那本《习近平谈治国理政》写得好,哪天给我弄一套,我也读一读。”
  • 问:鳄鱼吃了习近平会发生什么?

答:鳄鱼会拉二十米长的书单。——摘自品葱

  • 南方一个村全体村民被洪水围困几天,打了许多电话也没有人来救。一个村民绝望地在微博发了一条信息:“习近平我*你妈!”不到半小时他就被警察“救”走了。
  • 是包子总会露馅的。——摘自推特
  • 习下韩上,中国发大财!——摘自推特
  • 庆丰不识字,何必乱翻书。——摘自推特
  • 群臣吏民,能面刺寡人之过者,处死刑。能上书谰寡人者,处十年以下有期徒刑。能谤讥于市朝,闻寡人之耳者,处十五日以下行政拘留。——摘自推特
  • 独彩者。——2020年4月4日全国哀悼日,外交部首页习近平的图片是彩色的。
  • 2020年3月31日,北京市宣布对所有外省市返京一员一律实行14天居家或集中观察,没有例外、一视同仁。

热评:主席刚来过浙江,他回北京要不要居家隔离14天?一视同仁?话不要说的太满。 评论后被删除。

相关敏感词[edit]

  • “比如国新办有一次发来35万个敏感词,要求重新再清查,这35万个敏感词全是有关习近平的。”——前新浪微博内容审核员刘力朋接受美国之音专访
  • 知乎问题“如何洗清细颈瓶”被删除,词语“细颈瓶”被百度封杀。
  • 知乎“学习奥塞题”成为敏感词被封杀。
  • 某网站菜谱:“…起锅后***底锅,放上一片吐司…”。敏感词:洗净平

中国特色[edit]

  • 据说在本拉登最后留下的遗嘱中,也说中国是世界上唯一不能惹的国家,因为曾经有8个培养了10年的精英恐怖份子攻击中国,但却都无功而返。

第一个恐怖份子,在炸北京立交桥时,在桥上转晕了。第二个,在上海炸公车的时候,没挤上车。第三个,在陕西炸超市的时候,炸弹的控制器却被偷了。第四个,在重庆准备炸大楼的时候,就被保安狂揍说:“叫你敢闹事!叫你敢投诉!”。第五个,在山西成功炸了矿山,整个死伤过百,开心地潜回基地,却等了半年都没有任何新闻消息,最后被基地以“欺骗组织罪”处决。第六个,打算在广州引起爆炸,但才刚下火车,包包就被飞车贼给抢走了,愣了半天都没办法回神。第七个,在辽宁炸铁岭,刚去就被骗子们给骗瘸了。第八个去了河南,结果却碰上了人口贩子,从此之后杳无音讯。最后本拉登受不了了,决定在中国从小培育恐怖份子,没想到才生下来不久就被三鹿毒奶粉毒死了!本拉登表示:“千万不要惹中国,千万不要!”

  • 你身上充满着负能量,需要我给你注入正能量。——宋山木
  • 大陆人:还记得当年台湾香蕉滞销,大陆积极采购,放任海南香蕉烂在地里的事儿吗?大陆对你们这么好,想不想统一呢?

台湾人:当然不想啦,大陆对自己的老百姓那么差,统一了,有一天我们的香蕉也会烂在地里的……

  • 美军来了我带路,国军来了我入伍,共军来了我投毒。——贴吧网友
  • 因为我们现在国家跟非洲定的奖学金标准很低,一个人一年也就十万块钱左右,是吧,他读一年才十万块钱。——北京师范大学新兴市场研究院院长兼发展研究院院长胡必亮
  • 2020-1997=50——批评香港国安法违背一国两制
  • 记者:同志你好,我们是中央电视台的。

市民:哦,我知道。我很幸福,我很幸福!——央视记者街头采访

  • 问:朋友,你经常上微博吗?

答:当然,要不我怎么知道我们过着幸福的生活?

  • 看着自己黑黝黝的孩子,妈妈会心地笑了。上大学不用考 ,国家一年还补助30万。生不了红二代,生个黑二代也是个不错的选择。
  • 知乎网友问:印度民调显示,72%民众相信印度军力可战胜中国,你怎么看?

答:剩下的28%是印奸、中奴、投降派、公知、五人民币,棕皮黄心的粟子人。——知乎问答

  • 天灵灵,地灵灵,奉请祖师来显灵;

一请环球胡锡进,二请政委金灿荣;三请国师胡鞍钢,四请剑客老陈平;五请复旦张维为,六请北大孔庆东;七请神功司马南,八请局座张召忠;九请带鱼周小平,十请辉煌金一南;率领铁甲十万兵,踏平美帝大本营!朝鲜政治笑话

  • 一位金日成大学的教授向学生提问说,世界上现在有多少种政治经济体制?学生回答道:“有三种,一种是资本主义的,一种是我们朝鲜的社会主义的,还有一种就是中国混杂了资本主义和社会主义的”。这位教授接着问道:“那么这三种体制中,哪一种最优越呢?”学生说:“这个问题不好回答”。教授怒斥道:“怎么不好回答?毫无疑问,我们朝鲜的社会主义制度是最优越的,它未来一定会征服亚洲和全世界”。接下来,那个学生只好硬着头皮回答说:“虽然我们的制度的确是最优越的,只是我有点儿担心,如果其它的制度都被我们取代了的话,那么将来谁给我们提供粮食救济呢?!”

领导[edit]

  • 请问:你能说一下为什么领导有事没事都喜欢开会的原因吗?

因为一群无能的人,只有在开会的时候,才能给人一种干正事的感觉。——抖音视频

  • 原武汉市地税局局长罗涛被查,家中一个大保险柜始终无法打开。一个识货的检察官说:此乃声控锁,密码多用八个字。于是办案人员轮流猜试:“人不为已,天诛地灭”、“芝麻开门,芝麻开门”、“上天保佑,升官发财”、“八仙过海,各显神通”、“人为财死,鸟为食亡”…均无用!

无奈,只好把罗局长押到现场。他清清嗓子,用厚的勋县话高声念到:“清正廉洁,执政为民!”保险柜门应声而开,满柜金银珠宝惊呆众人。——网络段子

  • 通贤镇党委书记周林专用厕所。
  • 县委书记刘天才与女干部光着身子在床上OOXX的照片在网上刷屏,当地政府在网上公布调查结果:称县委书记与女干部在床上是在谈工作,虽然每次女干部都是光着身子,是女干部自己不检点,故意借谈工作的机会光着身子勾引县委书记,县委书记并没有与女干部有性行为,所以县委书记在床上与女干部谈工作的行为虽然不委,但不属于违规违纪。

敏感词[edit]

  • 某博主无法发送微博“一箱小狗,共五只,……”,截图求助,评论提示敏感词为“狗共”。
  • 《中华人民共和国宪法》第三十五条:中华人民共和国公民有言论、出版、集会、结社、游行、示威的自由。

根据相关法律法规和政策,被封禁的百度贴吧有:言论吧、集会吧、游行吧、示威吧、自由吧、中华吧、华人吧、人民吧、共和吧、共和国吧、中华人民共和国吧、宪法吧、中华人民共和国宪法吧、言论自由吧、游行示威吧、游行集会吧,结社吧被限制访问。

  • 某网站文艺编辑接到投诉电话:“为啥顾城的诗不让评论?”

编辑说:“能啊,是不是有敏感词被屏蔽了?”对方立马急了:“我就写了一句话:黑夜总会过去,光明才是永恒的。你说说哪个词敏感了?黑夜,光明,还是永恒?”编辑很淡定地回答:“夜总会。”

言论自由[edit]

  • 华春莹:“随时欢迎到中国,在街上随便找人聊天、享受自由”。布伦丹·卡尔:我想与下列人士聊天,谢琳卡、艾芬医生、陈秋实和方斌、李泽华、许志永、任志强及许章润。
  • 北京热不热,以新华社通稿为准。——微博网友热评
  • 天书版《发哨子的人》被全网删除。
  • 几天前,一群老同学聚会。有个同学在某互联网监测机构当小领导。我问他们单位是做什么的。他说,就是负责把在网上生事、对政府不满的人给找出来。

另一个同学对他说,“你是说还有对政府满意的?”他说,“对,有,不过那部分不归我们管,归纪委。”

  • 一个中国的居民被行政拘留,他跑去申诉并询问原因,有关部门告诉他:“因为您诬蔑了中国政府。”“我怎么诬蔑的?”“我们有记录:您曾多次在电话中声称,政府窃听了您的通话。”
  • –如果有人穿越到一个多月前,可以阻止这次新冠疫情爆发吗?–他会成为第9个造谣者。——2020年3月微博段子

公平正义[edit]

  • 戴套不算强奸。——贵州省毕节市阿市乡派出所指导员钟显聪。
  • “你打字的动作就是颠覆国家政权的行为”。一检察院工作人员回答王全璋质问。
  • –那中国政府为何如此害怕不同意见?–我们不害怕任何不同意见。–那为什么中国会有政治犯?–中国没有政治犯,没有人是因为不同政见入狱,入狱服刑者都是因为违反了中国法律。 ——中国某大使回答主持人提问
  • 2010年6月23日,在湖北省委大院门口,58岁的湖北省政法委综治办副主任夫人陈玉莲,被错认为信访对象,遭警察围殴16分钟。——《羊城晚报》

社会主义[edit]

  • 问:我们社会主义制度的优越性在哪里?

答:它成功地克服了在其它的社会制度下不会出现的种种困难。

  • 初级共产党员:–“民智未开,不适合民主。”–“你是说要注意这种状况?”–“不,我是说要改进这种状况!”

中级共产党员:–“民智未开,不适合民主。”–“你是说要改进这种状况?”–“不,我是说要保持这种状况!”高级共产党员:–“民智未开,不适合民主。”–“您是说要保持这种状况?”–“不,我是说要加强这种状况!”

  • 中国间谍对美国间谍夸口道:“我们知道你们国家所有核导弹发射井的位置。”

美国间谍说:“那又有什么,我们知道你们未来20年的国家主席名单。”

  • 你是准备替党说话,还是准备替老百姓说话?——郑州市规划局副局长逯军
  • 社会主义的五条原则;不要思考,如果思考了,不要说出来,如果说出来了,不要写下来,如果写下来了,不要签名,如果签名了,发生什么事都不要惊讶。
  • 社会主义好,社会主义好!社会主义国家人民地位高。——歌曲《社会主义好》歌词

中国共产党[edit]

  • 李莲英问慈禧:老佛爷,为什么俄罗斯侵占我国领土杀我们中国人,我们还是要亲俄?为什么美国帮中国建立学校,屡次帮助中国免于亡俄,给中国传播先进思想,我们却依然要反美??慈禧回答:俄反华但不反朝庭,美亲华但是反朝庭。 李莲英大悟:老佛爷英明,老佛爷万岁~凡是不爱老佛爷的都是汉奸!
  • 父母思情报得完,党的恩情报不完!
  • 中国特色社会主义最本质的特征是中国共产党领导,中国特色社会主义制度的最大优势是中国共产党领导。——中国特色社会主义理论

政治运动[edit]

  • 孙静轩:“他妈的!这个也是右派,那个也是右派,谁有本事把我也打成右派试试!

有人向上汇报了,他因此成了右派。

强国语录[edit]

  • 中国人权至少比美国好五倍。——沙祖康
  • 中国才是世界最大的民主国家。——《求是》杂志2017年11月
  • “我国社会主义民主是维护人民根本利益的最广泛、最真实、最管用的民主。”——习近平总书记在党的十九大报告中鲜明指出。
  • 你有那么多人,你有那么一块大地方,资源那么丰富,又听说搞了社会主义,据说是有优越性,结果你搞了五六十年还不能超过美国,你像个什么样子呢?那就要从地球上开除你的球籍!——1956年8月30日,毛泽东在中国共产党第八全国代表大会第一次会议预备会议上的讲话
  • 做贼心虚了,黔驴技穷了;美国想到了最无耻的一招:封号禁言!
  • 所以现在美国的枪击案,从大学到中学到小学,你还念什么书啊?中国还一帮土豪还把小孩送到美国去念书,你不是找死啊?——陈平

找死:陈平、习近平(彭丽媛)、江泽民……

延伸阅读[edit]

外部链接[edit]

twitter:中国文字狱事件盘点

Category

About 高大伟 David Cowhig

After retirement translated, with wife Jessie, Liao Yiwu's 2019 "Bullets and Opium", and have been studying things 格物致知. Worked 25 years as a US State Department Foreign Service Officer including ten years at US Embassy Beijing and US Consulate General Chengdu and four years as a China Analyst in the Bureau of Intelligence and Research. Before State I translated Japanese and Chinese scientific and technical books and articles into English freelance for six years. Before that I taught English at Tunghai University in Taiwan for three years. And before that I worked two summers on Norwegian farms, milking cows and feeding chickens.
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1 Response to 2022: Political Jokes in the People’s Republic of China

  1. Pingback: 2022: More Jokes from China | 高大伟 David Cowhig's Translation Blog

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