An early 1980s Cultural Revolution Jokebook gives some insights into how the Cultural Revolution was allowed to be presented at that time. The focus was narrowed to some designated baddies — the “Gang of Four”.
No Joking Matter but… Better to Laugh than to Cry? Supporting Party’s Correct Assessment of History?
This set of one hundred Cultural Revolution jokes 文化大革命~文革笑话100例 break down into a few categories:
Gang of Four Jokes
96.Standing on Egg Shells
One day, Wang Hongwen went to Zhu De, who responded icily to Wang’s arrogance. Suddenly, Zhu De asked Wang Hongwen to stand up the eggs on the table. Wang Hongwen thought that would be hard and wouldn’t be able to do it so he walked away. Wang Hongwen went back to Deng Xiaoping for advice. Deng Xiaoping picked up the egg, while saying “It’s easy! easy!”, He knocked it on the table and the egg stood. Wang Hongwen, shocked, “Didn’t the egg break?” Deng Xiaoping replied carelessly, “If I don’t break it, it can’t stand?”
27. Jiang Qing Went First
Two male patients in the psychiatric hospital both thought they were Chairman Mao. They argued about it all day long. Sometimes they would fight and damage hospital property. The doctor finally couldn’t stand it. He called them both to the office, said: I put you in a small room for three days, and then you come out once you have decided which of you is Chairman Mao. Three days later, the doctor and the director went to the small room and asked, “Have you decided?” Both of them said, “Decided.” The doctor then opened the door, only to hear one patient say to the other, “Comrade Jiang Qing, you go first!”
Dialect jokes — misunderstanding one another, often a poor peasant misunderstanding someone from another region.
3. A Group of Wives
A brigade cadre was both illiterate and deaf. After listening to the official announcement about the “September 13” Lin Biao incident, he went back to the brigade and told the brigade members, “Lin Biao tried to harm Chairman Mao, but failed, and flew a plane to the Soviet Union. That donkey day is not a thing, when he stole Marx’s pigskin coat (Marxism-Leninism) , but brought along group of wives (Ye Qun — literal translation of the name of Lin Biao’s wife), that made it impossible for him to escape and the three chickens (Trident aircraft) broke up.”
16. Dialect Vernacular (this one should be familiar)
A county government chief with a very heavy local accent went to a village to give a report: “My dear Rabbits and Shrimps! Pickled cucumber, salted vegetables are too expensive!” (In Mandarin pronunciation, that would be: Comrades, villagers! Don’t talk, we’re in a meeting!) After the county finished speaking, the host said, “Pickled cucumber, sausages and melon please!” (Note: Now ask the village chief to speak!) The village chief said: “Rabbits, today’s meal the dog has eaten, everyone is a big king!” (Comrades, today’s rice is enough to eat, everyone make a big bowl!”)
Sex Jokes — misunderstanding, either real or pretended
94. The Cultural Revolution Version
When I was young, I read a copy of the “Newlywed Couple’s Handbook” published during the Cultural Revolution. Opening it, I saw at the top half of page one a quotation of Chairman Mao in a red frame: Fight private interests and criticize revisionism! Confused, we paged through the handbooks to page x where we saw: “Revolutionary couples on their wedding night, must first unite, then excited, gradually advance in an orderly fashion, following the principle of going from the shallow to the deep. Especially male comrades in the beginning, pay special attention to be modest, prudent, humble, patient, careful and loving of revolutionary female comrades.” The next page on page x goes on to write, “It is not advisable for revolutionary couples to carry on a movement that is both deep and protracted each time, so as not to interfere with rest. It is important to get sufficient sleep so that the next day you can go into the fiery revolutionary work with full passion.”
Extreme political rituals required at one time or another (at least in some areas) during the Cultural Revolution
15. Switching Marriage Verses Three Times
During the Cultural Revolution, an old poor farmer’s son was going to get married on May 1. So he drew up a wedding couplet: two frugal hands; a diligent and thrifty couple – a diligent and thrifty family. When the leader of the production team’s criticism group saw it, he said, “You don’t care about collective production, but only care about living as a diligent and thrifty family, isn’t this capitalist spontaneity?” Hearing this, the old poor peasant had to change the couplet to: two capable producers; a working couple – the glory of labor. Unfortunately, the leader of the brigade criticism team came down to set up the task, saw the couplet and said, “Nowadays, we talk about continuing the revolution every day, and this couplet propagates the theory of productivity only,so no, it has to be changed!” The old poor peasant changed the couplet to read: Two revolutionary hands; a united couple – loving each other. It so happened that the director of the commune’s Criticism Office came down to inspect the movement, and when he saw the couplet, he said, “The class struggle is your death and my life, to unite we have to struggle first, isn’t loving each other about reconciling contradictions?” Hearing this, the old poor peasant was so frightened that he was in a hurry to find someone to talk it over with, then he changed it to: “Two capable fighters: a contradictory couple — you die and I live.” When the couplet was changed to this, the old poor farmer’s son was so uncertain that this was suitable that he went to ask the advice of the director of the commune’s Mass Criticism Office, who was also to be married on May 1. He put the couplet on the director’s doorstep overnight. The next day, the director’s bride saw the couplet as soon as she got off her bicycle and fainted.
History and its Various Revisions
90. The Heart’s Desire
During the Cultural Revolution, there was a group of people who specialized in making reports on “remembering the bitterness and sweetness”, and the best of them were frequently invited by various places. One young farmer was famous for his reports, always speaking with emotion and tears, and the whole audience was sad and angry together with him, and the slogans shook the earth. The number of reports, the village friends a little puzzled, asked him why every time he can really cry real tears. He said: “I can’t remember before the liberation, so where is the bitterness and hatred? I can’t tell you the suffering of my past life. My trick is that I talk about the pre-liberation period, but I think about 1960.” [Note: one of the years of the Great Chinese Famine]
91. Revisionist History
During the Cultural Revolution, a university professor of history made a fortune by criticizing Lin Biao and Confucius. One day, he hosted a discussion on a historical event with the faculty of his department. There was a long silence. Despite repeated promptings from the moderator, only one teacher spoke. He said, “I will not speak because the chairman of the meeting has already spoken very thoroughly, and he is an expert at revising history.”
Other Times, Other Jokes
More see below for 100 Cultural Revolution jokes. There are several more collections available online such as 文革大笑话 wenge da xiaohua at left with 300 Cultural Revolution jokes — downloadable at https://www.lxbook.org/book/2039273.html and on websites such as 笑死不偿命 《文革笑话汇编》at https://www.aboluowang.com/2007/0702/46604.html Sometimes I see jokes about PRC politics in more recent days but those generally get erased fairly quickly.
Some time after June 4, 1989 this jokes circulated in China, reflecting doubts about the viability of the post Tiananmen duo of Party General Secretary Jiang Zemin and Premier Li Peng. Both where the object of political humor during their time — in the case of Li Peng, the most hated premier in Chinese modern history because of Tianmen — often nasty attacks on his integrity and intelligence. This is one of my favorites:
One day after June 4, Deng Xiaoping, Yang Shangkun, Jiang Zemin and Li Peng were riding around on the outskirts of Beijing. When Li Peng drove the car to a bridge, the road was blocked by a donkey. Li Peng got out and shouted at the donkey and kicked it, but the donkey did not move. Then Yang Shangkun got out of the car and said: “If you don’t go, Comrade Deng Xiaoping will order the martial law troops to come”. The donkey still did not move. Deng, sitting in the car, was already getting impatient. He said, “Zemin, you get out and see what you can do. Jiang Zemin walked up to the donkey and whispered a few words in its ear. Startled, the donkey got up and ran away. Li Peng looked at Jiang in admiration. “Tell me how you did it!” But Jiang wouldn’t say. Old Deng turned to Jiang and said, “There’s no harm in telling us the truth.” Jiang felt he had no alternative, so with a troubled expression on his face he said, “I told it, if you do not go, Comrade Deng Xiaoping will make you the General Secretary of the Communist Party”.
Online in the Jiang Zeming – Li Peng joke collection on the Epoch Times website.
One of the jokes I saw online (before it was ‘disappeared’ in the late 1990s was “Why don’t we have any new political joke books these days?” The answer was “We can’t have political joke books these days because Premier Li Peng is such an idiot the joke books would be full of stories about how what a dumb ass he is!” Some of the less nasty jokes about Li Peng 李鹏 played on his personal name Peng, also the name of the largest bird in Chinese mythology. Some anonymous Chinese living in foreign lands imagined that they could get away with collecting jokes about Li Peng so you can find some online for example 李鹏家族笑话集锦 and even translate them using the bourgeois reactionary machine translation tool DeepL: Collection of Li Peng Family Jokes
When SARS broke out in China in 2003 — the original COVID epidemic — there were many jokes passed around by text messaging. See my collection at 2003: Instant Messaging at the Time of SARS — Sarcasm and the Leadership some of those were fairly biting and disappeared. Jokes openly published in China avoid criticizing the Communist Party or assigning it any responsibility for disasters.
During the 2005 Pig Flu outbreak some pig flu humor erupted online that reminded me of instant messaging humor that spread throughout China during the 2002 – 2003 pig flu epidemic. From a Chengdu web forum — 2005: Sichuan Pig Flu Epidemic Humor
See also: Fiction Award Prize Joke Reflects Local ‘Little Big Brother’ Corruption
Jokes From Chinese History 历代笑话集 was published in 1956 by the Shanghai Ancient Books Publishing House.
历代笑话集 [A Collection of Jokes Through the Ages], published by China Bookstore in June 2020
A collection of jokes through the ages, compiled by Mr. Wang Liqi has finally been reprinted after more than half a century. The material in the book is mainly taken from more than 70 collections of jokes produced from the late Han Dynasty to the late Qing Dynasty, including nearly 2,000 jokes. These jokes are written in a simple language, with a witty approach to all life, reflecting a wide range of content, from the most prominent officials to peddlers, can be said to be all-inclusive. Most of them are easy to understand and the average reader will not have any difficulty in understanding them, while a small number of jokes quoting scriptures require the reader to have some knowledge background in order to accurately find the buried laughs.
听说有学问的人，才能Get到《历代笑话集》这些笑点 [I’ve Been Told Only Very Learned People Can Get These Jokes] on Sohu
I’ve only gone through a few of the jokes there. Some require more learning in the Chinese classics and history than I have. One of the jokes involved an emperor, accompanied by his Prime Minister, going up on a mountain to survey his domain. The emperor said, it is great being emperor! How I wish I could be emperor forever. His Prime Minister had to tell him however, “Emperor, if emperors could live forever, one of your ancestors would still be emperor and you would never have gotten a chance to become emperor!”
Hearing First Hand about the Cultural Revolution
Sometimes I wonder about how the trauma of having live such an experience might affects people and a society for many years afterwards.
During my ten years in the PRC I heard stories from Chinese people who had lived through that particular Chinese Holocaust and the Anti-Rightist campaigns of the late 1950s that likewise claimed many victims. Later I have done a few translations of articles about the Cultural Revolution — some of them are on this translation blog.
Last year I read the first 300 pages [about 2000 pages in two volumes] of Yang Jisheng’s history of the Cultural Revolution. Yang Jisheng was the editor of “Yanhuang Chunqiu”, a journal about modern Chinese history and society that was banned a few years ago. Yang’s Cultural Revolution history, based on interviews, was banned in China just as his earlier book, translated his book Tombstone: The Great Chinese Famine, 1958-1962 post Great Leap Forward crazy-policy-induced famine that killed upwards of 30 million people. The book portrayed Mao, despite his great power and dominance, filled with terror about being defeated by real or imagined opponents within the Chinese Communist Party. The Cultural Revolution, as Yang describes, started with the children of Mao’s acolytes versus the children of the coterie around somewhat more pragmatic party leader in elite Beijing high schools struggling against one another and then spiraling into ever greater violence — almost a Chinese version of William Golding’s Lord of the Flies albeit on an incomparably vaster stage.
During my ten years in China, many people told me stories of barely imaginable cruelties that took place during the political campaigns of the 1950s and 1960s.
I knew an environmentalist and former journalist at Beijing Daily Tang Xiyang. Tang told me [see censored excerpts from his book ‘A Green World Tour’ how his wife, a middle school teacher, had been murdered by her own students because she refused to divorce him. Tang discussed the Anti-Rightist Campaign and the Cultural Revolution in censored portions of his book A Green World Tour:
“These were all ‘cultural revolution’ matters. My thoughts then turned to the earlier anti-Rightist campaign and I told me listeners about that too. “In June 1957 the staff of the Beijing Daily was called to the fourth-floor auditorium to attend a general meeting criticizing Liu Binyan, then with China Youth News. A colleague of his, Qi Xueyi, opposed the meeting, so to show his support for Liu, he jumped from the auditorium window into the hutong below and was killed.
“Since I had already been labeled a Rightist, I was not allowed to attend this meeting, but my wife, Zheng Zhaonan (photo), who also at that time worked for Beijing Daily, did attend. Like everyone else, she looked out the window where Qi had jumped, and perhaps thinking of me and our situation, stayed there for a long moment. This was noticed and reported to the newspaper’s leaders, who immediately called another meeting, at which Qi was first criticized. His deed was called counterrevolutionary; he had substituted for a Rightist; it was a bad act to try to stop the meeting; if he could kill himself, he could kill anyone, so he was the worst kind of class enemy. Then Zheng was criticized for feeling sorry for him; she was the same sort of ‘raccoon dog’, the epigram about the fox that was sorry after the rabbit died because now it had nothing to eat was used to describe her; she was criticized for even thinking about her husband.
….“In my society, the word “people” is both infinitely great and infinitely small. It is great because it is an inseparable part of such weighty terms as “people’s republic,” “people’s congress,” “the dictatorship of the people,” and “Long live the people!”. It is small because people are so insignificant. One day a person may be a State Chairman; the next day a jail inmate; on day a famous general, the next day a victim in a dunce cap being paraded through the streets; one day a famous writer, the next day a body drowned in a lake; one day a world champion, the next day a figure hanging from a tree. There are well-known cases out of hundreds of thousands of frame-ups that caused loss of life, family separations, the denunciations of fathers by sons. Most people have had their names cleared by so called rehabilitation, but what does that mean to people who are already dead? And what about those whose cases have been mishandled and not yet redressed, for whatever reason? This is a human tragedy. Yet the chief perpetrators of these political crimes feel no regret, utter no word of apology. Instead they expect their victims to be deeply grateful and hail them as heroes. Isn’t this the typical mentality of a despotic monarch? Yet they call themselves communists. The victims in this power game are not just me or the other hundreds of thousands of wronged persons, but the destiny of our country, for which countless martyrs have died, and for the sincere, revolutionary aspirations of the early Mao Zedong.
I knew Chongqing writer and former “rightist” confined to Mao’s gulags for two decades Kong Lingping. Kong was a mechanical engineering student at Chongqing University. Kong Lingping’s crime [see excerpts from Kong Lingping’s memoir translated on this blog] was having parents with the wrong family background. Not even landlords, his parents had been school teachers before 1949 under the previous Republic of China government. His mother rejected his father’s urging that the family flee to Taiwan. No, she said, we have many friends who are communists. Everything would be fine. Kong’s father was soon arrested. A few years later he died in a forced labor camp.
I knew Chengdu writer Yin Shuping, who had been a very young war correspondent during the War to Oppose America and Support [North] Korea. He told how much warmer his Soviet-made North Korean uniform was then were PLA uniforms and how he saw many Chinese soldiers frozen to death, an American POW’s escape, by seizing a machine guns left carelessly lying around, from his unit, and of being inside a tunnel while UN forces bombed overhead. Later in the 1950s, as a convinced communist and successful poet, Yin Shuping went as a member of a Chinese delegation headed by Hu Yaobang to the Moscow Youth Congress. Later Yin got into trouble for defending fellow Chengdu poet Liu Shahe who had been accused of being a rightist. Yin Shuping was then himself labelled a rightist and sent to the gulags for over twenty years.
I recall my September 2005 visit to Mianyang, Sichuan. As I walked in a park in central Mianyang, talking with a physician from the adjacent hospital, he told me as we approached the Monument to the Revolution topped with a red star, how here, during the Cultural Revolution, he had seen several people kill themselves, driven to suicide by the feeling that there was no way they could continue to endure the intense persecutions of the so-called “struggle sessions”.
My friend Dr. Wang Shuping told how, as a twelve-year-old, she saw her parents — her father was a teacher, her mother a physician — denounced at a mass meeting. Her father and elder brother were badly beaten several times. She was denounced herself at another mass meeting and expelled from school.
PARENTS DENOUNCED ONSTAGE, FORCED TO WEAR DUNCE CAPS:
Interview with Dr. Wang Shuping by Frances Cowhig. June 2012, Salt Lake City, Utah.
When I went to, I hear they have meeting, that time still young kids, don’t know what meeting, when I get to meeting, a lot of people there already, over 1000, whole village people sit there, don’t know what type meeting, when I get there find out my father and my mother, everybody on the stage, have big sign, hold wood board here, right down name, my mom name, my daddy name, write down my daddy is spy for Chiang Kai-shek, also Righist, my mom, just say that she is a Rightist Wife, Spy Wife. I just get there,
they looked at my face, I said, why is everybody look at my face, when I get there, have Isomething black, I couldn’t see the stage, just go there, go to stage, see my mom and my daddy, my daddy have very high cap, write down, he is a“Rightist Element,” my mom have high cap, very high, have board over here. I think, that is my daddy and my mom, everybody look at my face, I just run away. My brother wasn’t there – I didn’t see my brother. I just see my father and mother there. My Dad was a teacher. My mom was a doctor. So because they get educated before, later they become a target during the Cultural Revolution, they just want to beat you up, some people who get good educated. The Anti-Rightist Movement was a very bad that time for my family.
I read the inscriptions on the monument. Translated into English:
- Long Live the Magnificent, Glorious and Correct Communist Party of China!
- Long Live the Dictatorship of the Proletariat!
I wonder sometimes how knowledge of this history, to the extent that people are able to become aware of it, affects the thinking of Chinese people today. After all China, for all the changes that have come since the refounding of the PRC at the beginning of reform, has much the same totalitarian operating system as before: absolute one party rule and the dictatorship of the proletariat led by the Party.
I remember striking up a conversation with a group of students I ran into on the Zhejiang University campus in 1998 after finishing a meeting in nearby downtown Hangzhou. The students told me that the Cultural Revolution could never come again. I mischievously remarked, “That is just what people were saying in the early 1960s — something like the Great Leap Forward will never happen again. The system is fundamentally the same. You have no institutional guarantees.”
Other Translations Here on the Cultural Revolution
- 2007: Red Flag and Preparing the Ideological Ground for the Cultural Revolution
- From Yang Jisheng’s Book: China’s Workers on the Eve of the Cultural Revolution
- Kong Lingping’s Memoir: Political Prisoners “Searching for the Light” at the Close of The Cultural Revolution
- Rightist Memoir “Blood Chronicles” : Cultural Revolution’s End
- Father Murdered in Cultural Revolution, Liu He Now PRC Vice Premier
- The Cultural Revolution and the Need for Repentance
- Reflections on the Cultural Revolution: A Ten Thousand Character Petition
- 2009: Censored — Tang Xiyang’s A Green World Tour
Cultural Revolution ~ One Hundred Cultural Revolution Jokes
1、 “Gold” is not as good as “Tin”.
The production team held a general meeting at night, and the old production team leader, according to the instructions of the county committee and the commune, wanted the members to severely criticize the reactionary fallacy that “the present [jin] is not as good as the past [xi]”. But most of the night, no one spoke, because we all think it is indeed not as good as it used to be, how to criticize? The old captain had no choice but to inspire everyone and say: “How can the past be worse than the present [jin]! How much does gold [jin]cost a pound? How much does tin [xi] cost a catty?” Members of the community have criticized: “really nonsense, gold [jin] is certainly more expensive than tin [xi]!”
2, Public Property
At a mass criticism session of a teacher, a woman, whom we knew is the teacher’s wife and that she and the head of the Revolutionary Committee’s improper relationship had long been no secret. Just listen to her accusation: “He has long opposed Chairman Mao, opposed the Party and has taken me as his private property … …” As soon as everyone heard it, they knew she had said that at the leader’s behest since he wanted to defend the teacher. One of the students jumped on stage and rebuked the teacher, “How can you allow this to happen in socialist China? How can you treat your wife as your private property? She must be treated as public property!”
3. A Group of Wives
A brigade cadre was both illiterate and nearly deaf. After listening to the official announcement about
the “September 13” Lin Biao incident, he went back to the brigade and told the brigade members, “Lin Biao tried to harm Chairman Mao, but failed, and flew a plane to the Soviet Union. That donkey day is not a thing, when he stole Marx’s pigskin coat (Marxism-Leninism Mǎkèsī de zhū pí dàyī should be mǎkèsī lièníng zhǔyì) , but brought along group of wives (Ye Qun — literal translation of the name of Lin Biao’s wife), that made it impossible for him to escape and the three chickens (Trident aircraft) broke up.”
4. Live and Learn
During the Cultural Revolution there was a period when no matter what it was you were doing, you had to first read a quotation from Chairman Mao. An old lady went to buy vegetables, and the salesman said, “What do you buy for the people?” The old lady said, “Yugong Yishan, I’ll buy radishes.” With that she picked the radish in a big basket. The salesman saw her going back and forth, making her selections and got very impatient. So he said “You should fight the private sector and criticize revisionism!” The old lady didn’t look up but continued picking her vegetables, chanting, “Don’t make careless mistakes!”
5. “Longevity” and “Health Forever”
An old farmer had learned a few words of revolutionary greetings. He always wanted to show off in front of other people. One day the old farmer carried two rabbits, one large and one small, to sell at the market. The price was relatively cheap because he had to go home in a hurry. Someone asked suspiciously, “They are not sick rabbits are they? The old farmer hastily replied, “Don’t worry, I have two rabbits, one has a long life and the other one is always healthy!”
6. “Wisdom of the Mighty Tiger Mountain” (I)
In the auditorium there was a performance of the revolutionary modern Peking opera “Taking the Tiger by Strategy”. Yang Zirong fights the tiger on the mountain, and in the hall of the mighty tiger and the third master (Zha Shan Diao) call for strength, compared to fighting the chandelier. The Third Master shot out an oil lamp and the bandits shouted, “Good! Good!” Yang Zirong arm flung, a shot to destroy two lamps, the bandits again shouted: “Good, a shot to fight two!” There was another performance, the third master took a gun out, the management of props was careless, turned off two lights, the bandits shouted: “Wow, one shot to hit two!” The management of the props heard, said bad, this won’t do ah? We heroic characters can not lose to the mountain eagle wow, this is a matter of principle. When Yang Zirong threw up his arm, he turned off all the lights. The bandits all shouted “Well, a gun to blow the fuse!”
7、”The Wisdom of Taking Tiger Mountain by Strategy” (II)
A big troupe performed “Taking Tiger Mountain by Strategy”, in a county that had no electricity so they used a toy gun for sound effects. Once Yang Zirong shot Luan Ping, after singing the paragraph “fast” a stranglehold on Luan Ping raised the gun and fired. The hammer came down, there was the smell of powder but no sound. Yang Zirong, embodying the great wisdom and courage of the heroic comrades, ad-libbed another sentence: “I represent the people”, and then waved the gun. Still no sound. Anxious, he yelled “I represent the Party!” but still no sound. That just wouldn’t do. He grabbed the back of Luan Ping’s neck and was about to strangle him. Yang Zirong kicked Deputy Luan, cursing a “Fuck you!” Turn around and insert the gun into the waist. The people backstage couldn’t see anything. Suddenly a big, “bang” rang out, so Yang Zirong ended up shot in the ass.
8. Manure is Important
A few of the young people who got up early to gather fertilizer, each one picking a load of manure hurriedly walking. Suddenly the person walking in the front slipped and fell and the manure spilled on the ground. A few companions hurriedly put down their burdens and went forward to help him up. The fallen man struggled to break away from the support of his companions. He pointed his finger at the manure flowing all over the ground, and said impassionedly and forcefully: “Comrades, do not care about me. Rescuing the commune’s manure is more important!”
9. Paid Off Nine Buttocks Worth of Debt
While the Gang of Four was running rampant, Li from the county party committee propaganda department went down to the countryside to collect exemplary reports that “the situation is excellent”. The masses attending the seminar did not say a word. After hearing Li’s inspiring words over and over, Old Man Ma opened his mouth: “The situation, well of course, it is excellent. Last year, my family of five, four strong laborers, worked hard all year. We had ten buttocks worth of debt and paid off nine buttocks worth. Don’t you think that’s good?” Li said: “Yes, yes, indeed!” Master Ma got all puffed up with pride then said, “But I still owe a buttload of debt!” The crowd laughed.
10. Family Origins
During the Cultural Revolution, people walking on the street at any time will be pulled out singing songs, asking family origins and personal composition, so everyone is particularly nervous. A buddy was sick and went to see a doctor. He got a prescription and went to the nurse to get an injection. When he walked into the nurse’s office, a young woman nurse told him to show his the buttocks since he was to get the injection there. The buddy was careless and his pants fell to the ground. The nurse thought him a hooligan and got furious, shouting, “Beast!” The dude jumped in shock, immediately stood at attention and replied, “My origin? No, I’m a poor peasant!” When the nurse heard this, she became even more angry and cursed, “You second-rate loafer!” The buddy hurriedly replied, “My second uncle is also a poor farmer!”
11. Read the Words
During the Cultural Revolution, people had to memorize Chairman Mao’s quotations. One day, a couple fought so much that they went to the Commune Revolutionary Committee to demand a divorce. The commune cadres tried to mediate: “Be united, not divided, don’t you know?” The woman shouted: “Be determined, I want a divorce!” When the man heard that, he was anxious: “Against all odds, I am determined not to do it!” The commune cadres got angry and said to them, “Grasp the revolution, promote production, I don’t care about family matters.” The woman was not convinced and pulled the commune cadres aside and said, “I’m totally dedicated, but I’m leaving!” Hearing this, the man also pulled aside the commune cadre and said, “In serving the people, you can’t ignore the adults and children!” The commune cadres said to the couple: “Service to the people can never be forgotten, adhere to principles. We can not go stamping documents for no good reason, you two go back home to your good life.”
12. Fighting my Father
During the Cultural Revolution, there were often mass criticism meetings. One day someone’s father was caught on stage and criticized. At the end of the mass meeting, someone asked him to shout slogans to make a clean break with his father and draw a clear line between the two of them. He rushed to the front of the stage and shouted with his arms held high: “Down with my father! Down with my father!” At this point, the crowd followed, jumped up and raised their hands, yelling : “Down with my father! Down with my father!”
13. A Big Meeting to Criticize Lin Biao and Criticize Confucius
The work unit held a conference to criticize Lin Biao and criticize Confucius. A tenor and a soprano got on stage to lead the audience in chanting slogans: (leader) Down with Lin Biao! (crowd) Down with Lin Biao! (Leader) Down with Confucius! (crowd) Down with Confucius! (Leader) Harshly criticize ourselves and restore propriety! (Crowd) Harshly criticize ourselves and restore propriety! …… After the slogans, there was a brief moment of silence before the leaders spoke. At that moment, the old Zhang from the communication room hurried to the backstage and shouted to the leaders sitting on the podium of the conference: “Director Wang has a phone call!” So the whole crowd followed him with everyone changing: “Director Wang has a phone call!”
14. Insulting to Women
The production brigade held a conference to criticize Lin Biao and to criticize Confucius. The production brigade leader said, “Confucius advocated ‘overcoming oneself and restoring propriety’, but he didn’t act that way himself. Nanzi [nanzi] (the wife of the Duke of Wei Ling, from the country of Song, was very beautiful and rich. Many people sought after her. Confucius had also visited her. Confucius’s students were very displeased, thinking that they were fooling around together.) At this point a woman stood up and angrily complained, “Confucius is really something! He doesn’t have a wife himself, but he is fooling around with a basket [lanzi], so what does he think about us women? He really is harsh to women ah!”
15. Switching Marriage Verses Three Times
During the Cultural Revolution, an old poor farmer’s son was going to get married on May 1. So he drew up a wedding couplet: two frugal hands; a diligent and thrifty couple – a diligent and thrifty family. When the leader of the production team’s criticism group saw it, he said, “You don’t care about collective production, but only care about diligent and thrifty family, isn’t this capitalist spontaneity?” Hearing this, the old poor peasant had to change the couplet to: two capable producers; a working couple – the glory of labor. Unfortunately, the leader of the brigade criticism team came down to set up the task, saw the couplet and said, “Nowadays, we talk about continuing the revolution every day, and this couplet propagates the theory of productivity only,so no, it has to be changed!” The old poor peasant changed the couplet to read: Two revolutionary hands; a united couple – loving each other. It so happened that the director of the commune’s Criticism Office came down to inspect the movement, and when he saw the couplet, he said, “The class struggle is your death and my life, to unite we have to struggle first, isn’t loving each other about reconciling contradictions?” Hearing this, the old poor peasant was so frightened that he was in a hurry to find someone to talk it over with, then he changed it to: “Two capable fighters: a contradictory couple — you die and I live.” When the couplet was changed to this, the old poor farmer’s son was so uncertain that this was suitable that he went to ask the advice of the director of the commune’s Mass Criticism Office, who was also to be married on May 1. He put the couplet on the director’s doorstep overnight. The next day, the director’s bride saw the couplet as soon as she got off her bicycle and fainted.
16. Dialect Vernacular (this one should be familiar) [Note: Chinese is a family of languages, not dialects — some of these languages are nearly or completely incomprehensible to speakers of another.]
A county government chief with a very heavy local accent went to a village to give a report: “My dear Rabbits and Shrimps! Pickled cucumber, salted vegetables are too expensive!” (In Mandarin pronunciation, that would be: Comrades, villagers! Don’t talk, we’re in a meeting!) After the county finished speaking, the host said, “Pickled cucumber, sausages and melon please!” (Note: Now ask the village chief to speak!) The village chief said: “Rabbits, today’s meal the dog has eaten, everyone is a big king!” (Comrades, today’s rice is enough to eat, everyone make a big bowl!”)
17. The County Party Secretary’s Report
In about 1971, the newly promoted county party secretary of Weinan County gave a report at a meeting of the county’s third-level cadres. As a rule, the speech was written by the secretary on special county party committee paper, which had the words “Manuscript Paper for the Exclusive Use of the Weinan County Party Committee” printed in red at the top of each page. The party secretary didn’t want to leave anything out, so each time he started a new page he would read “Manuscript Paper for the Exclusive Use of the Weinan County Party Committee”. The audience was confused at first, but then they realized what was going on. Everyone held their breath, quietly waiting for those words to come out of the secretary’s mouth. Then came a burst of laughter. Then the audience calmed down and waited for the next laugh. The party secretary was oblivious until his personal secretary came up and whispered “You don’t need to read those words written in red”. The county party secretary frankly smiled and said, “I thought the red letters are the most important part, so it wouldn’t do any harm to read them again!”
18.Which is bigger, 10 or 100?
During the Cultural Revolution, the poor peasants managed the school. This day, the director of the poor management committee to the school to give a report, talking about the need to improve the quality of teaching, the director said: “we want to try to improve our school’s rate of advancement, this year than last year to improve by a tenth, next year than this year to improve by a hundredth, the year after next to improve a thousandth…. At this point, the principal went over to him and said, “Director, you can’t talk like that, so the promotion rate will get lower and lower.” The director gave him a sidelong glance and said indignantly, “I’m not very educated, but I still know which number is bigger, 10 or 100! How can you intellectuals not even have this common sense? No wonder that we haven’t been able to improve the quality of education!”
19.Brothers quarrel
The two brothers quarrel, the brother cursed: “Your mother a cunt!” The brother cursed back: “Your mother’s a cunt!” At that moment, the father came over and gave them each a slap on the face, reprimanded them and said, “What are you arguing about, what are you arguing about? The supreme instruction is to unite and not to divide. The fucking cunt is not your mother’s cunt? You grandmother’s cunt!”
20. The Old Peasant’s Photo
During the Cultural Revolution, people in the rural areas were not rich. For a farmer to go to the city would be like us today making a trip abroad, something very difficult to do, nobody could afford the travel expenses. One day, an old man went into the photo studio for the first time and wanted to take a picture. Then said: “Comrade, take a picture.” The attendant said, “Okay, how big?” “Fifty cents, right.” “Do you want an unadorned one or a matte finish one?” (Note: i.e. glossy photo paper or linen photo paper) Old peasant: “This ……, hey! To tell you the truth, except for bathing in the river and sleeping on the bed, I always at least wear pants? How about this, say I just do half unadorned?”
21. This Book tells the Truth
Jiang Qing asked Afanti: “I’ve heard that you are very intelligent, wise and very learned. Certainly you must have read many books?” Afanti replied, “I don’t read a lot of books, but I read all kinds of books.” Jiang Qing asked again, “What books have you been reading lately?” He was reading “Learning Chinese Characters Through Pictures”. “Why do you read this easy book when there are so many new books to read?” Afanti replied, “Because this is a book that tells the truth.”
22. Letters from an Educated Youth
During the Mao Zedong era young people were not well educated so when they wrote letters home they often wrote the wrong characters. This gave rise to many jokes. A young woman who had settled in a remote mountainous area wrote home saying, “Dear Dad, since I have mingled with the poor peasants, I have become more and more familiar with them, and I sleep in a pit (kang) with the oldest wolf (mother) at night, and now my belly (guts) is getting bigger and bigger. And my life (umbrella) is also gone, please bring me the old life (umbrella) of the family ……” brother wrote back: “Everything is fine at home, do not worry, mom hung herself (transfer) …… “
23. Mao Bamboo Urgently Needed
One day, Jiang Qing proudly asked the people: “When I come to power, what do you need most?” The people answered in unison, “The most needed is Mao bamboo [moso bamboo].” “What do you need Mao bamboo for?” “To make bamboo baskets!” “Why?” “So we can beg for food!”
24.Shouting slogans
During the Cultural Revolution, it was often necessary to cheerfully convey the latest instructions from Chairman Mao. One day, after sleeping until midnight, the loudspeaker’s loud voice suddenly covered the entire city and woke everyone up at once: “This is the Central People’s Broadcasting Station! Central People’s Broadcasting Station! This is an important broadcast! This is an important broadcast!” At this point, everyone knew that Mao Zedong was going to issue his latest instructions in the middle of the night, so they hurriedly got up, dressed and went out to the People’s Square to welcome Mao’s latest instructions by beating gongs and drums. Thousands of people kept banging gongs and drums, and after about two hours, the Central People’s Radio finally broadcast one of Mao’s latest instructions: “A person has arteries, veins, blood circulation through the heart, but also through the lungs to breathe, exhale carbon dioxide, inhale fresh oxygen, which is the exhale and inhale new. ” After the publication of Mao’s latest instructions, the next thing was the all-night demonstration with drums and gongs shouting slogans, originally the overall slogan was as follows: Warmly hail Chairman Mao a person has arteries, veins, blood circulation through the heart, but also through the lungs to breathe, exhale carbon dioxide, inhale fresh oxygen, this is the publication of the latest instructions to exhale the old and take in the new!
This long slogan can not be shouted in one breath, and needs to be divided into four paragraphs to shout, the result of everyone lined up to shout slogans into four slogans like this.
- “Warmly hail Chairman Mao, a man with arterial veins!”
- “Blood circulation through the heart! And through the lungs to breathe out carbon dioxide!”
- “Inhale fresh oxygen,”
- “This is the publication of the latest instructions for exhaling!”
The consequence of this slogan is as if Mao Zedong is the only person in all mankind who has an arterial vein. No one else does.
25. A Reporter is Scared Away
During the Cultural Revolution, a reporter had just returned from cadre school to his newspaper. The first order he got was to go visit a soldier who was very famous for assiduous study of Chairman Mao’s works — a soldier model for studying Mao and putting his Thought into action. All excited he got on the road and easily found him. He asked, “Where are you from originally?” The model soldier answered, “We come together from the Five Lakes and the Four Seas with a common revolutionary objective.” The journalist didn’t quite understand, so he kept at it, asking, “Are things going well for you now?” The reply, “We are very happy with what we have!” [Liǎng gàn yī xī (two dry and one thin) Mao quote on sparse rations during the early 1960s famine days] The journalist was tongue-tied but soldiered on, “Do you have and brothers?” The reply “All the suffering people of the entire world are our class brothers.” The journalist, feeling defeated, fled.
26. Family Origin
During a certain year of the Cultural Revolution, people walking on the street at any time will be pulled aside and asked to sing, asking family origins and personal composition, so everyone is particularly nervous. A buddy was sick and went to see a doctor. Prescribed prescription, let the injection. When he walked into the nurse’s office, a young woman nurse said to play the buttocks, so he was ready to posture. The buddy was careless, his pants fell to the ground. The nurse thought he was a hooligan and was furious, shouting, “Beast!” The dude jumped in shock, immediately stood at attention and replied, “Origin? Poor peasant!” When the nurse heard this, she became even more angry and cursed, “Bastard!” The buddy hurriedly replied, “Second uncle is also a poor farmer!”
27. Jiang Qing Went First
Two male patients in the psychiatric hospital both thought they were Chairman Mao. They argued about it all day long. Sometimes they would fight and damage hospital property. The doctor finally couldn’t stand it. He called them both to the office, said: I put you in a small room for three days, and then you come out once you have decided which of you is Chairman Mao. Three days later, the doctor and the director went to the small room and asked, “Have you decided?” Both of them said, “Decided.” The doctor then opened the door, only to hear one patient say to the other, “Comrade Jiang Qing, you go first!”
28. More Than a Thousand sentences
The production brigade held a general meeting to study the writings of Chairman Mao. The brigade leader said: Vice Chairman Lin Biao said, Chairman Mao’s words are most trustworthy and powerful. One sentence from Chairman Mao is like 10,000 sentences from anyone else. A poor peasant spoke up, eager to express his burning devotion to Chairman Mao. “As I see it, the highest prestige, the most powerful, a sentence topped 10,000 sentences. At this time an old poor peasant eager to express his love for Chairman Mao, grabbed: “In my opinion, even asking Chairman Mao to say one thousand sentences wouldn’t be enough!”
29. A Sweet Potato
During the Cultural Revolution, the four kinds of bad elements [landlords, rich peasants, counter-revolutionaries, and criminal elements] in the countryside were all very frightened. One day, one of these bad four elements people baked a sweet potato at home, took it and walked to the field. When the militia company commander came over, that bad element took a look and hastily hid the sweet potato in his ragged cotton jacket. When the company commander saw him sneaking around, he shouted, “What are you hiding?” The bad element shook his legs and ran towards the crowd, with the company commander in hot pursuit. The bad element thought, “It’s just a sweet potato, just give it to him. So he took out the sweet potato from his pocket and threw it at the company commander. The company commander saw a black and smoking thing flying over, thought it was a bomb, and hurriedly fell on top of the black thing, shouting: “Everybody down! Long live Chairman Mao! Long live the Chinese Communist Party!” But after a long time there was still no explosion. Why is this thing so soft? He took a look and saw that it was a sweet potato.
30、Shopping with Quotations from Chairman Mao
High school students: Care for the life of the masses – get me a pen.
High school students: We are all from the four corners of the world – take a few to let me pick.
Salesman: Against liberalism – you can’t pick, take whichever one you buy.
High school students: Our responsibility is to the people – just take a few more for me to pick.
Salesman: There is no room for reconciliation on the issue of the different roads we take – if you say you can’t pick, you can’t pick.
High school students: Whom the enemy opposes we must support – why not let pick?
The salesman: Whom the enemy supports we must oppose – not for what, not to pick is not to pick.
High school students: Pay attention to the work methods – is there this way to buy things?
The salesman: All power to the peasant unions – buy it or not.
High school students: Down with the landed gentry – what is your work attitude?
Salesman: Friendship, or aggression – what, you want to fight?
High school students: If you fail to fight reactionaries, they cannot be defeated. – You think I am afraid of you?
A person next to sees that a people’s war is about to flare up between the two. They hasten to mediate: We must unite and not divide – If you have something to say, then say it.
High school students: Carry out the revolution to the end – What?
Salesman: If people do not offend me, I do not offend them – What?
High school students: If people offend me I will offend – you are a salesman what is the big deal?
The bystander saw that they both refused to end their war of words, they advised the middle school students to leave: When the enemy advances, I retreat, when the enemy retreats, I advance — You leave first, I’ll come to buy something tomorrow.
Hearing this, the high school students, realizing that the situation was deteriorating, turned around, saying as they left — Farewell John Leighton Stuart — went downhill and turned around, saying as he walked away: Farewell to Stanton – huh!
The salesman, returned like a victorious general, turned around and said to the bystander: All reactionaries are paper tigers — yuck.
31. Wishing Different Degreess of a “Long, long life”
The most familiar chants of the Cultural Revolution were “A long, long life” and “May health be attained”. A middle school student felt that the chanting was not enough, so he extended the chanting – “Let us wish from the bottom of our hearts, with the greatest respect, that our great teacher, great leader, great commander, and great helmsman, Chairman Mao, will live forever! Longevity! Long life! To Chairman Mao’s close comrade and successor, our Vice Commander-in-Chief, Vice Chairman Lin, good health! Health forever! Health forever! To Comrade Jiang Qing, Chairman Mao’s good student and our great flag bearer, who is full of red light and will always shine red! Forever red! To Comrade Kang Sheng, our Red Chief of Staff, who grows fat day and night! Grow fat every day! Fat every day!”
In Guizhou Province, there are also people who wish for Comrade Li Zaihan, director of the Guizhou Provincial Revolutionary Committee, “Comrade Li Zaihan, the little moon in our hearts, is healthier! Healthier! Healthier!” It is said that people in a county in Guizhou also “wish Comrade XXX, the director of the county revolutionary committee, We feel compelled to wish you some health! We feel compelled to wish you some health! We feel compelled to wish you some health!”
32. Longevity and Health Forever
Old Mr. Ji heard shouting all day long about a long, long life for Chairman Mao and eternal health for Lin Biao. He thought that there must be a difference between them. It figures that a long, long life must be a bit better than eternal good health but finally discovered some subtle distinctions after thinking about it over and over: “It’s better to be Lin Biao, because a long, long life doesn’t mean you don’t get sick. Eternal health sounds so much better!
33. Political Foresight
During the Cultural Revolution, a farmer’s father was seriously ill and needed money urgently. He sold his pig, which was worth 80 yuan, for 60 yuan at the market. The buyer asked suspiciously, “It’s not a sick pig, is it?” The farmer got anxious and blurted out, “This pig you buy it and bring it home, it will be healthy forever.” At that time, every day everyone wished Vice President Lin Biao good health forever! Therefore, a bystander immediately reported this to the Public Security Bureau. In the fall of 1971, Lin Biao defected and fell to his death in Mongolia and the farmer was released then without charge. On the day of his release, the leader apologized to the peasant and exclaimed, “You really have political foresight. When Lin Biao was still in a high position, you had the golden eyes of the Monkey King and saw that he was a big bad guy, and compared him to a pig!
Rang zhexue bian wei qunzhong shoulide jianrui wuqi
让哲学变为群众手里的尖锐武器
34. The Atom Bomb and the Egg
At the beginning of the Cultural Revolution, when rural fairs were held, the Red Guards of secondary schools and elementary school carried the flag of “Mao Zedong Thought Propaganda Team” and wore red armbands to set up barriers to stop farmers and get them to recite “Quotations from Chairman Mao” and “Instructions from Vice Chairman Lin”. If they could not recite the quotations or if the recitation was incomplete, the Red Guards were on the spot to teach them. If they made a lot of mistakes, the Red Guards would do an on the spot “sterilization”, and in serious cases pull them along for collective “struggle against stinking, backward elements”. One day, an old poor farmer went to the street to sell a few eggs and to buy oil and salt. However, because he had not memorized “Vice Chairman Lin Biao’s instructions” the eggs were detained. The Red Guards taught him over and over again: “Once Mao Zedong Thought is grasped by the masses, it will become an endless material force and an infinitely powerful spiritual atomic bomb”, but the old poor farmer was preoccupied with selling eggs and buying oil and salt. When the Red Guards asked him to recite it himself, he stammered: “Mao Zedong Thought …… becomes ……” He patted his head: “What egg? What egg [Note: in Mandarin egg and bomb are homonyms] does it become? Ah, come to think of it, it becomes eggs that you can exchange for oil and salt!”
Du Mao zhuxi shu ting Mao zhuxi hua
读毛主席书听毛主席话
35.Bloodily Expressing Loyalty
At the beginning of the Cultural Revolution, the Red Guards replaced the Communist Youth League in the schools. To join the Red Guards, one had to be a member of the “Red Five” [Revolutionary soldiers, revolutionary cadres, workers, poor peasants and lower middle peasants] while other people from ordinary working-class families had to have done outstanding revolutionary deeds to join. In order to join the Red Guards, Student C, whose family was a “clerk”, wrote a “blood letter”. The “blood letter” was posted on the wall of the Red Guard headquarters in large letters. C joined the Red Guards for his outstanding performance, but student D was not convinced. In front of the crowd, he pinned the leader’s badge to the flesh of his chest, five of them in one go. The blood flowed down and soaked through the waist of his pants. His “loyalty” moved everyone to join the Red Guards.
A few years later, the two went to the countryside in the same production team, and C said to D: “Why did you take it so seriously, buddy? There was no need to hurt yourself! I wrote my blood letter by dipping my pen in chicken blood!
36. Huangchengba in Downtown Chengdu is Now Safe
During the Cultural Revolution, once the Sichuan Provincial Revolutionary Committee had been established, it was decided to demolish the Huachengba in Chengdu, to build the “Long Live Mao Zedong Thought Exhibition Hall ”. The people of the province donated their loyalty – “loyal wood”, “loyal stone”, “loyal grass”, and “loyal wood”. In addition, together with voluntary labor, the exhibition hall was finally rebuilt. A giant statue of the leader, more than ten meters high, was also built in front of the museum. The opening ceremony drew tens of thousands of people. An old lady, who never dared to go out, also came on crutches to pay her respects. Looking up at the statue of the leader, she said, “This place in Huangcheng will never have a car accident again.” Someone asked the reason, the old lady said: “Young people drive too fast. So many people have been getting injured and killed that people don’t dare go out on the street. Now that Chairman Mao is there, raising his hand to direct traffic, no will drive too fast there anymore.”
37. Searching for a Mao Quotation on Sericulture
At a sericulture work conference, Director Liu was invited to speak. Up on stage starting his speech, he didn’t have any guidance from his superiors so he immediately opened and anxiously went through “Quotations from Chairman Mao”, but from beginning to end did not find a word about sericulture. When he looked up, he saw Chairman Mao’s poem “Seven Rhythms – The People’s Liberation Army Occupies Nanking” hanging on the wall of the auditorium, and was suddenly filled with energy. Next, I will begin by reminding you of the instruction from the highest authority that the proper task of mankind is to transform seas into mulberry fields and mulberry fields into seas. Then I will talk about planting mulberry and raising silkworms.” The crowd on stage was first flabbergasted, followed by laughter.
38. Buying Meat
On the eve of the Spring Festival, an old woman went to the butcher’s store to buy pork. The old woman said: I’ll buy five pounds, the salesman answered: “We must be frugal as we make revolution.” The old lady thought the other side said to save, do not buy so much, hurriedly changed her mind and said, “Then I buy three pounds.” When the salesman saw that she did not answer as requested, he said again, “Be frugal and make a revolution.” The old lady thought that three pounds was probably not saving, and changed her mind again and said, “Then I’ll buy one pound.” The salesman had to say again, “We must be frugal as we make revolution.” The old lady thought the salesman was saying one needed to be frugal and not buy so much. So she changed her mind and said, “I’ll buy three pounds.” The salesman noticed that she hadn’t answered as she should have and so said it again, “We must be frugal as we make revolution.” The old lady thought three pounds must not be considered frutal enough so she said “I’ll buy one pound.” The salesman merely repeated what he had said before: “Be frugal and make revolution.” The old lady thought one pound is still not considered frugal enough? So she said “I won’t buy anything.” The salesman thought that was very strange and asked her why she wasn’t buying anything. “Didn’t you just tell me over and over “We must be frugal as we make revolution?” Then the salesman knew that she had misunderstood. He explained, “I am not telling you not to buy or to buy less. I just need you to reply to my sentence ‘We must be frugal as we make revolution’ . Only then can I cut meat for you!”
39. Your Ass is Revolutionary
The leader of the Dictatorship of the Proletariat Brigade came to the residence of the “monsters and demons” [Communist Party and government officials or intellectuals branded as traitors, spies or counter-revolutionaries during the Cultural Revolution] and saw a newspaper on a stool with Jiang Qing’s picture on it and immediately discerned a “new trend in the class struggle”. He asked “Whose stool is that?” A “demon” said, “The stool is mine, I put the newspaper, but I have not been sitting on it.” Captain: “You just sat there! If you confess, we will be lenient. If you resist, you will be punished severely! “Demon”: “I confess and plead guilty! I beg for leniency!” as he bent down. Leader: “Bend again! Bend again!” “Demon”: “Leader, I can’t bend anymore, I have bones in my waist!” The leader kicked him over and sat down on the stool with a huff. The “Demon” exclaimed: “The leader can not sit, the newspaper has the head of a Central leader on it!” The leader jumped up and said defiantly: “My ass can’t compete with yours!” The “Demon” said: “Yes! Yes! Your ass is revolutionary!” The leader’s jaw dropped.
40. I have no Sexual Desire
A female leader in the Cultural Revolution, one day saw the word “sexual desire” written on in a magazine article. She did not understand the meaning of these two words, so she asked a young male director in the office. A male director of course knows the meaning of these two words, but he did not know how to answer his superiors, but the female leader demanded to know. He replied: “Sexual desire means good morale and feeling energetic.” One day, the woman leader in the cadres meeting, finally said: “There were many things to criticize, but, today I have no sexual desire. I’ll wait until I have sexual desire and then invite everyone back…”
41. The People’s Militia Issued Guns
A little joke widely circulated during the Cultural Revolution held that the Wuhan militia, in order to show off the masculinity of the militia, suggested to the then Wuhan Military District to equip each militia member with a gun. At the inaugural meeting of the Wuhan militia, a man from the Military District came to the meeting and gave a speech. The man’s voice was loud and clear: “I am Zeng Siyu (then commander of the Wuhan Military District) ….”
After a pause, the militia on the stage heard the man call himself Commander Zeng, and immediately reported a round of applause.
The man from the military district added, “I sent the guns.” The militiamen were a little despondent.
The visitor then spoke again, “About the guns ……,” and the militiamen listened carefully.
“One gun for every man,” he added as the room erupted in applause.
“is not possible.” The militiamen were suddenly dismayed.
“Two men for each gun……,” the militiamen’s hopes rose again.
“It’s just not doable.” Hope was lost.
“Three men a …..” The meeting room was silent and quiet.
“They are all wooden guns!” Hope dashed, the militia was utterly dumbfounded.
42. I’ll take it Even if it Costs 60 cents
One day, a big man from Shandong entered a fruit store. With a heavy accent, he said to the pretty saleswoman: “Comrade, how much is a catty of big apples?”[píngguǒ] The saleswoman heard it as “How much is a pound for a big ass [pìgu] !” Angry, she slapped the counter and cursed: “Rascal!” Shandong man thought: 60 cents? I can not afford to buy them? Why are they so expensive? He slapped the counter: “At 60 cents I still want them!” The saleswoman was furious: “Out!!!”[chūqù] Shandong man thought, When you buy apples here they ask your social origin [chūshēn]? So he replied with a straight face: “Origin? Poor peasant! What about you saleswoman?
43. Will Li Shizhen come?
Once during the Cultural Revolution, a foreign medical delegation visited Shanghai, and an uneducated cadre was sent to receive them. The head of the foreign delegation said, “Your countryman Li Shizhen contributions to medicine were truly remarkable ……” This cadre immediately asked the interpreter loudly, “Has Comrade Li Shizhen come?” The interpreter was startled and hurriedly shook his hand to him. The cadre: ” Oh, he did not come. Hurry, get the minivan driver to pick up!” The interpreter quickly scratched his head. “You mean he’s getting a haircut? No, tell him to come right away.” The interpreter had no choice but to whisper in the cadre’s ear, “Li Shizhen was around during the Ming Dynasty ……” ” Will he come tomorrow? No, he must come today! ” the cadre said viciously.
44. What is Inexhaustible?
When a couple got married, family and friends and classmates sent a room full of books and notebooks. After the guests scattered, the wife looked at the mountain of books and said to her husband: “Such a great pile of books! We will never be able to sell them, we can’t eat them, we can’t burn them. We’ll never be able to use them all, not our sons, not our grandchildren, not even our great-grandchildren will be able to use them all up! ! “Husband enlightened his wife: “It doesn’t matter. When our son dies, he will have grandchildren. There is no end to children and grandchildren. Although our little mountain of books is high, it will not get taller. The books will be fewer and fewer but we must know just what is inexhaustible!”
45. No Progeny for Chairman Mao
The Cultural Revolution naming a child often reflected a certain political orientation. That is,a parent’s son surnamed Duan, in order to show that he follows Chairman Mao, gave his son not only the family name Duan and the personal name Follow Mao [duàn gēnmáo] meaning a lifetime following Chairman Mao. An old woman who was hard of hearing asked the child to repeat the name several times. She didn’t understand what it meant. She said, “What name your parents gave you! What a name No Descendants for Mao [duàn gēnmáo]
Qunchoutu – Ba fangeming xiuzheng zhuyu fenzi jiuchulai shizhong!
群丑图 – 把反革命修正主义分子揪出来示众！
46. Traffic Police Enforcement
One day in 1969, a very beautiful girl, in today’s language is a very beautiful little MM, riding a bicycle was stopped by the police. The policeman said; “Revolutionary comrade, please get off the bicycle.” The girl said; “Can’t you see that I am a Red Guard? Revolutionary police comrade, what’s wrong?” “What’s wrong? You cut off that car, don’t you know to strengthen discipline. The revolution is invincible? I now fine you one loyalty dance.” The Red Guard said, “Okay.” Then he began to dance singing “Beloved Chairman Mao, the Red Sun in our hearts ……” The girl finished the dance singing, “The great leader Chairman Mao taught us that revolution is violence, a class overthrowing another class by violent action.” As she said so, she swung her fist and gave the policeman a bloody nose and shouted; “Long live Chairman Mao!” The policeman wiped the blood from his face and shouted; “Learn from the young Red Guards!” The female Red Guards lifted aloft Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book and said, “We come together from all the four corners of the world, for our shared revolutionary goal …..” and rode away. The crowd gathered around recited Chairman Mao’s poem together, “It’s a small world, a few flies hit the wall, buzzing and buzzing …..”
47. A Food Amplifier
When Nixon visited China, he was shocked by a loud bang on the street and turned to see someone getting a bag of rice from a “machine”. He turned to Zhou Enlai and said mysteriously, “No wonder you Chinese have managed to solve the problem of feeding your population!
48. A Parents’ Reprimand
During the Cultural Revolution, lived a mentally handicapped child named “Xing’er ” who never went to school. There was another student who always skipped school. The teacher was never able to teach him so she called the student’s parents in for a conference. The parents criticized their child in front of the teacher: “The newspaper is always writing about metaphysics [Xíng’érshàngxué]/ ‘Xing’er goes to school'[xìng er shàngxué] , even Xiang’er goes school and your child still skips class! You give your parents no face at all!
49. An Animal Eating a Plant
During the Cultural Revolution, a professor was sent down to the countryside to undergo re-education by the peasants. One day the professor was working in the field when he suddenly found a donkey sneakily eating some wheat. But he didn’t know what a donkey was or what wheat was, so he thought hard in a hurry. The professor shouted, “Oh no, the animal is eating the plant!
50. Reading a Quotation From Chairman Mao
A leader read the quotation of Chairman Mao: “Correct ideas fall from the sky!” Turning the page, he froze seeing the question mark. He finished the sentence with a shout: “Do they?!” . .
51. Not Yet Known Whether Dead or Alive
During the Cultural Revolution, a theater group compiled a script and handed it over to the leadership review. Leader Zhang instructed that the main character should end up alive, while Leader Li instructed that the main character should end up dead. The troupe leader felt this was very difficult to do. The scriptwriter said: “It does not matter, we’ll write two endings. When Zhang does his leadership review, the main character will live; when Li does the leadership review, the main character dies.” The head of the regiment nodded and agreed. The script was revised, and the leaders Zhang and Li came to review it together. The head of the regiment was in a hurry, the scriptwriter whispered a few words to him, and the performance began. Near the end of the play, from the stage came a sudden announcement: “The performance ends here.” Hearing this, the two leaders walked backstage together and asked, “Why didn’t you finish the play?” The playwright said to them, “Unfortunately, the actor who played the main character suddenly fell ill and was sent to the hospital for surgery. Whether he is dead or alive is not yet determined.”
52. The Gotha program to Guide Criticism
Around 1975, the Chinese study sessions on the writings of Marx and Lenin reached their climax. One day, the production brigade leader organized community members to study the works of Marx and Lenin. He picked up a book and said, “Today we are studying Marx’s “Critique of the Gotha Programme”. The title of this book is hard to understand so let me explain. Gotha Program is a person who led a criticism meeting. After the meeting his secretary compiled the minutes of the meeting, called the “Gotha Program Critique”, this is the book. Now we will start studying ……” (Note: Gotha is a place name, a city in central Germany.) In late May 1875, a congress of the German Socialist Workers’ Party was held in Gotha, and the draft program adopted was called the Gotha Program. The program adopted at the congress was called the “Gotha Platform”. Marx wrote a critique of this draft program. (commonly known as the “Critique of the Gotha Programme”).
53. Making a Report to the Womens’ Association During the Cultural Revolution, Old Man Huang was sent to the countryside to work. On March 8, the head of the Red Guards wanted to give a speech at a local women’s meeting. Knowing that Old Man Huang could write, he forced Old Man Huang to write a speech for him. The Cultural Revolution in the name often has a political orientation, there is a parent’s son surnamed Duan, in order to show that following Chairman Mao, gave his son the name Duan with Mao, said a lifetime with Chairman Mao go. An old woman in a trance and often the child told her several times, the old woman did not understand, did not understand the meaning, said: “What name your parents took ah, how to take what broken root hair ah!
54. Criticize Deng Xiaoping
In 1976, “to counter the rightist-revisionist tendency” at that time, a factory meeting in Sichuan called a meeting to force its workers to “criticize Deng. If their criticism was not approved, they would not be allowed to go home. More than 100 people sat there in the workshop and no one spoke. The stalemate was long and difficult. Suddenly, an old worker slapped his thighs, exclaiming: “Deng Xiaoping presided over the Party Central Committee, but what did he achieve?! He did not stress the class struggle, did not stress the mass line, he just advocated raising pigs! Deng Xiaoping not only called on everyone to raise pigs, but also told people to feed big fat pigs! Big fat, fat, fat, fatty meaty pigs! Steamed, their meat will be delicious as braised pork, steamed pork belly, pork sweat and pork steamed with ground glutinous rice dripping with oil. People will eat more and they get high cholesterol! With high cholesterol comes heart attacks, high blood pressure, heart disease, cerebral hemorrhages! All this makes me burn up with anger! And you ask whether Deng is a vicious person? He certainly is very vicious! Once he finished speaking the room was silent for a minute, then laughter broke out that went on and on for a long while. Then the criticism meeting broke up.
55. Shouting Slogans
During the ten years of catastrophe, the head of a rebel faction [zaofanpai] , Wei Dongbiao, was killed in an armed struggle with another Red Guard faction. Preparations for the mourning conference were ready. The only thing missing was a loud voice to lead the shouting of slogans. Wei Dongbiao’s secretary asked around and finally found a 6-foot-tall, broad-armed, round-waisted Zheng San, who had been selling porridge in the town for three generations. The secretary asked him if he could shout, whereupon he replied with a shout: “Drink the porridge” His could be heard for miles around. The secretary pulled Zheng San aside and said cordially, “Zheng San, our Commander Wei has died, and a memorial service will be held soon. Would please lead us in shouting a few slogans?” Zheng San even shook his head and said, “No! No way! I can’t shout slogans.” The secretary said, “Hey, I’ll teach you, it’s not difficult at all. If you shout it well, we will not treat you badly. Just one sentence: “Wei Dongbiao’s spirit will never die!” Can you remember it? “Zheng San repeated it a few times, nodded, and said, “Okay, I remember!” The memorial service began, when he turn came to shout slogans, Zheng San shouted: “Wei Dongbiao did not die!” The secretary heard, “Oh no, how did you ever leave out the word “spirit”? He reminded Zheng San: “and spirit!” Zheng San immediately continued to shout: “Oh, there is still spirit!” The secretary got upset and stomped his foot: “Fuck, shout the way you did before!!” Zheng San shouted, “You drink paste noodle porridge too–” Everyone together shouted, “You drink paste noodle porridge too!”
56. “Good Horse, Fast knife”
During the Cultural Revolution, Zhang San went to a model theater troupe to learn model opera. The director enlightened him: “You should come here not just to learn to sing, but mainly to learn how to perform in theater. Do a good job, you can take a leading, you could rise to become Party Secretary, Minister ……” Zhang San said: “Chief, I understand. I do not want to do theater in my life, nor do I want to be the main character, a Party Secretary or a Minister. I’ll bring water for the troupe and sweep the floor.” The head of the troupe: “Then why?” “Because I lack two treasures in my body.” “Which two?” “A good horse and a fast sword.” “What horse?” [ma] “Shameless flattery” [liuxing paima] “What kind of knife?” “Three knives on both sides.” liangmian sandao [double-dealing and opportunistic]
57. Making an Observation
During the Cultural Revolution, the newspaper printed a photo of Jiang Qing pretending to work in the countryside. To get popular reactions to the photo, a reporter went to interview an old peasant: “Grandpa, what do you think about this photo?” The old farmer let out a long sigh: “I’m very scared.” “What are you afraid of?” “When she handles literature and art, we have no drama; if she handles agriculture, we will have no food to eat.”
58. Busy Spring Plowing
A certain place where educated youth had been sent down to the countryside, some of the youth were a group of music conservatory students, who usually didn’t hear provincial opera. One day, the commune organized a propaganda team, and the poor peasants expressed their confidence in the “re-education” of the youth and sent them to perform on stage. The curtain opened and the gallant announcer said: “The next program, the violin ensemble “Beethoven Nostalgic for the Red Sun “”, the audience applauded. Since Beethoven was nostalgic for the red sun, he was a proletarian revolutionary. The students of the Conservatory played a piece of Romance in F Major by Beethoven in a grand manner. After that, they were prepared to play Bizet’s “Song of the Matador” but the announcer said: “The next piece will be, “Poor peasants the world over are busy with spring plowing”.
59. I Just Can’t Wait
Jiang Qing and Zhang Chunqiao were playing Chinese Chess. No sooner than they had begun, Jiang Qing took Zhang Chunqiao’s general with a small pawn. Zhang Chunqiao looked up, two eyes peering through circular lenses, staring straight at Jiang Qing. Jiang Qing said: “What are you looking at? Even a pawn crossing the river has the boundless ambition of taking a general, this is my trick!” Zhang Chunqiao said, “I know, but you have only stepped into a trap and have not yet crossed the river!” Jiang Qing laughed and said, “I won’t lie. I just can’t wait.”
60. Why so late?
One day the central government held a meeting, Wang Hongwen arrived in Beijing from Shanghai. Several old marshals came a little late for some reason or other. Wang Hongwen arrogantly asked, “Why are you late?” “We are not as fast as you are, huh?” The old marshals sneered and then said, “You came by helicopter! We came step by step!”
61. The Class struggle is Sharper than the Class struggle
The Cultural Revolution was a time of daily class struggle. In the local dialect, the word “class” as “should” and usually said “the should-do struggle”. The production brigade secretary went to a meeting at the county seat. The new County Party came from another area and spoke Mandarin. According to the party secretary’s report, the class (JIE) class struggle is more acute and complex than before. We should pay attention to the new trend in the class struggle …… The production brigade secretary later to convey the spirit of the meeting to the production brigade said: “the class struggle now no longer exists, but there is a new level of struggle, and this level of struggle is greater than the previous level of struggle. The people said, “How can we live with so many different levels of struggle?
62. Remembering Hardships and Thinking of Good Times
At the end of the Cultural Revolution, the principal of a secondary school invited an old poor peasant to give a report on his memories of hard times and good times in order to let the students experience the good times of today and understand the sufferings of the working people in the old society. The principal announced, “Now, please ask this old poor peasant to tell the students about the painful life of the old people in the old society.” The old poor farmer spoke incessantly: “Talking about that evil old society, it is really impossible to live, there was no food to eat, especially in 1959, starvation killed a lot of people …...” The principal was shocked to hear this, and rushed over to the old poor peasant and said: “No. The poor farmer said, “Do not say 1959, but only liberation.” The old poor peasant asked, “Before the liberation? We were not so hungry before the liberation, how can I say that?” The principal immediately said to the students, “This old man is too old and not well, let’s not talk about it today ……”
63. Model Play “Lenin in October
In those years, in addition to acting in model plays, we also performed some new modern plays. The most impressive one was “Lenin in October ”. This play is said to have no script. It is all based on the eight rhymes of the old opera to “Treading Water” (improvisation). The big troupes dare not perform it for fear of making mistakes. Only a few small and bold Sichuan opera troupes dare to perform it. Liu Shengcai played Stalin, always twirling the rosin-sticky eight-string beard with his hands on stage. I, along with other actors, stood squarely beside the two revolutionary mentors and listened to their teachings. Lenin sang: [to the tune of Red Luan Jacket – a second-rate version] called Joseph, my poor brother, there is something I need to discuss with you in detail. To fight at the Winter Palace we must think long and hard. Do not get angry and miss this opportunity. There are many naked bodies everywhere in the Winter Palace, all carved in marble. Stalin sang: (to the same tune) rant to my beloved …… (help!) Vladimir Ilyich, three days ago, a general has sent the word down, fighting at the Hermitage is not allowed, cultural relics and monuments are not to be damaged. Shooting can not be directed at the naked bodies carved on the wall. That means that Czar Nicholas has left the proletariat to us!
Xue Dazhai, bixu zili gengsheng jianku fendou
学大寨必须自力更生艰苦奋斗
64. History Examination
Once the Cultural Revolution ended, the country resumed the unified college entrance examination. One the history test, a question: “Why will the Paris Commune fail?” Some students answered: “Because they did not Learn from Dazhai! [a model commune in Shaanxi Province held up for all China to emulate during the Cultural Revolution]
65. Chairman Mao is in our Body
During the Cultural Revolution, there was a big loyalty dance craze — women and children holding high aloft the Little Red Book, singing the loyalty songs in crazy collective dances. An old woman will sing: “Chairman Mao is in our body (heart)”, unaware that she was committing a grave offense. She was harshly criticized by the military representatives: “Do you cherish your face? Do you cherish your life?” Fortunately, this old woman had been a poor peasant for generations and her children are all revolutionary leftists, and were able to convince that the disturbance was all just her big tongue.
66. Repeat
During the Cultural Revolution, a rebel faction leader became the director of culture. One day he went to a theater company to inspect its work. The troupe director accompanied him to the rehearsal space. On stage the troupe was rehearsing a four-part chorus. When he sat down and listened, he said angrily, “What a mess, hundreds of people can sing together, but these four are singing four different tunes. They aren’t singing in tune at all. What kind of song is this?” The regimental commander hastened to say, “This is a reprise.” The director listened and said, “Yes, it should be sung over, it is just so wrong!”
67. No, You Can’t Ride It
One day, Jiang Qing, riding a horse, saw an old man on a donkey coming up to him. He said, “Old man, I’m tired of riding this big white horse, I want to ride your donkey for a while.” The old man said in a panic: “Old Buddha, don’t ride it, don’t ride it!” Jiang Qing was furious and said, “Nonsense! Back then, Wu Zetian dared to tame the fierce horses, can’t I even ride a donkey?” The old man said, “I don’t mean that. I heard that there is a song, just because it is called ‘Walk Slowly, My Horse’, [马儿啊你慢些走] you condemned this song. You know… My donkey walks much slower than the horse. If you ride on the donkey, you’ll be beating it and torturing it. After just a few days you will have tortured it to death!
68. What to use as Background
Jiang Qing on a trip to Xinjiang asked a journalist, “I heard that you have traveled all over. I want to take a photo, you tell me, what is the best place to have wonderful scenery in the background?” The journalist thought for a while, thinking, the “year-round snow in the Tianshan Mountains, the beautiful scenery of the Yili River, the hot climate of the Turpan Basin, the sandy Gobi Desert, Gobi Desert, oh, right!” The reporter happily patted his thigh and said, “Leader, I see a place. You can use it for the background!” Jiang Qing hurriedly asked, “Tell me! What place?” The reporter replied, “Wendurgan in Mongolia.” [where Lin Biao’s aircraft crashed and/or was shot down]
69. The Northwest Wind is Weaker
One day, Zhang Chunqiao scurried out to the countryside for an inspection tour. “These years the domestic situation is very good, you have a lot of changes here, right?” The production brigade leader said without thinking: “The biggest change is the northwest wind is weaker.” Zhang Chunqiao puzzled Shun: “Why?” The leader replied, “You would rather have socialist grass than capitalist seedlings, so the members of the community drank up the northwest wind [northwest wind is proverbial for desolation and emptiness].”
70. Do you want Chairman Mao to see what you guys are doing?
During the Cultural Revolution, an old man rushed to the market and bought a statue of Chairman Mao. He can not carry it so he tied a rope around the neck of the statue to carry it home. Halfway home he was stopped and tied up and accused of wanting to strangle Chairman Mao. Another person said, “This is nothing, my work unit has even greater wrongdoing!” Someone bought a statue of Chairman Mao to hang by the side of the bed. Discovered by the leadership and considered to be a counter-revolutionary. The leaders said “Do you really fucking want Chairman Mao to see what you are doing?!
71. The Red Sun does not Sleep
During the Cultural Revolution, Chairman Mao often issued “supreme instructions” at night. The Red Guards and the revolutionary masses routinely beat gongs and drums, walked the streets, and then danced a “loyalty dance”. They sang “the red sun shines on the earth, it shines on our hearts keeping us warm. A child woke up and asked,, “Mom, why doesn’t the Red Sun sleep at night?”
72. Which Battle Group are you in?
During the Cultural Revolution, the masses divided into different factions. When a man took a train from Wuhan to return home to Yichang for a funeral. When he got into the train, he was interrogated by the Red Guards on the train. “Which battle group are you from? He answered honestly: “I am from the steel worker faction.” Who knew that most of the workers back then were millions of heroes, and so they were beaten with belts until they finished the job. When the car arrived at Jingzhou station, some of the civil attackers and military guards came up and interrogated him again. Again he was beaten up after being interrogated for his wrong answers on the train. This time he hurriedly answered, “I belong to the million mighty heroes faction”. Who could have known that the interrogation this time belongs to the steelworker faction. Again he was beaten up. When the train arrived at Yichang, he was questioned at the station exit. He had learned a good lesson. He unbuckled his belt in advance and held it in his hand, asking the questioner: “What faction are you from?” He answered: “Our faction is the fighting team to defend Chairman Mao.” “Wow, then we belong to the same faction.”
73. A Night on the Outskirts of Mexico
Due to his merits as a rebel faction worker, a boiler worker became factory director. He followed the rules, let the workers work overtime, and did not allow the workers to sing songs with a petty bourgeois mood. As a result of the celebration of the “July 1”, everyone in the factory, in addition to doing “loyalty dance” also sang a model opera and had to produce a small chorus. What kind of singing is good? It must be innovative. The factory director racked his brain, how could he not think of it. He had no choice but to ask the engineer who was being accused of being a “rightist”. The engineer told him: sing the Soviet song “Moscow Nights”. He hurriedly ordered the propaganda team choreography, because do not know the work in Moscow, the name became “An Evening Outdoors in Mexico”.
74. A Wolf’s Grasp is More powerful than the Grasp of a Ruthless Person
There was a production brigade leader who was promoted to secretary of the commune party committee because of his excellent performance as a rebel faction member. One day he was asked to make a report at a general meeting. He read from the script written by his secretary. The party secretary was very anxious but in the end, there was nothing that he could do. When the party secretary stepped down from the stage, his secretary hurriedly went up to him and said, “This word is pronounced “wolf” instead of “ruthless.” The party secretary scolded him in annoyance, “What do you know, you pale-faced scholar? The grasp of a wolf grasp is more powerful than the grasp of someone who is ruthless.”
75、Politburo Meeting
After Wan Li presented a written statement, Deng Xiaoping said, “What are you talking about? You have written so much but you are ten thousand li [homonym for Politburo member Wan Li] off topic.” Chen Yun then spoke for a while, nothing more than a birdcage economy and so on. Deng Xiaoping said, “Chen Yun, Chen Yun, clichés, man-made clouds are also clouds.” Deng Xiaoping himself went on to talk about how to reach a moderately prosperous level by 2000. Chen Yun sarcastically added, “Xiaoping Xiaoping, all you know is the basically decent standard of living.” Hua Guofeng, was present, but did not say anything because no one could understand what he meant when he spoke. At this point, nobody wanted to say anything more. Xiaoping went home to play his favorite game of cat and mouse with his grandson. Chen Yun went back to look at the birdcage at home to redesign the strategy of governance. Old Hua, on the other hand, took his elementary school textbook to practice Mandarin. Not much got done. The company’s main goal was to interpret “prevent the restoration of capitalism” to “putting on a pretense of capitalism”.
76. You Look Like a Pilot
Deng Xiaoping had just returned from an inspection trip so that same day he rushed straight to Zhongnanhai to report to Mao. When he got to Mao’s door, he heard laughter. Mao and Jiang Qing were doing something. Xiaoping didn’t want to be rude so he decided he had better leave right away. Just then Jiang Qing’s bra flew out of the room, landing exactly on Xiaoping’s head. Since ancient times it has been said, if there were never coincidences then never would there be tales to tell either. Just as Xiaoping was standing there with no idea what to do, Premier Zhou walked by and said, smiling, “Comrade Xiaoping, you look just like a pilot!”
77. Speak Well
A man went to the market to buy chickens. He thought the price was too high so he started swearing. The chicken seller said, “You can’t talk like that. If you say something nice, I’ll give you the chicken.” The man said, “May Chairman Mao live forever, okay?” The chicken seller was speechless and did not dare to say that it was not a good thing to say, so he nodded his head and said, “Good, good! I admit defeat!”
78. I am Still Counter-revolutionary
There was an intellectual in the Cultural Revolution who had always being struggling against in public. Before each struggle session, he had to write a sign saying “I am a counter-revolutionary” and hang it on his chest. In order to save himself the trouble of writing a sign every time he was denounced and criticized in public, he had five words painted on his forehead: “I am a counter-revolutionary”. He was able to use this sign for a long because it was very durable. Later. after he was politically rehabilitated, and the paint could not be scraped off, he simply added the word “not” in front of the word “yes” to become “I am not a counter-revolutionary”. Not long after, the political movements came again, he became the target of the people’s democratic dictatorship again, he wondered, “What can I do? Ah, There is a way!” Fortunately, thanks to the characters being fairly similar, he added a few strokes at the bottom of the “no” character and changed it to “still” so that the sign read “I am still a counter-revolutionary”.
Dahai hangxing kao duoshou gan geming kao Mao Zedong sixiang
大海航行靠舵手干革命靠毛泽东思想
79. The Old Man Can’t See
During the Cultural Revolution, a young couple was so happy that they plastered their new house with large and small portraits and quotations of Chairman Mao. Then an acquaintance asked them, “You make love every night under the eyes of the Chairman, okay?” They said, “It’s okay, when the lights are turned off at night, the old man can’t see anything.” Soon they were both arrested and beaten up. The revolutionary committee said, “Our Great Leader can determine our course in a dense fog, nothing is invisible to him!”
80. I had to Light a Candle
One day, Wang Hongwen [Note: one of the “Gang of Four ”] went to a factory to inspect it. He put on a stern expression and said to the factory director: “You must repeatedly emphasize that we are bringing in foreign technology just to flatter foreigners. We actually don’t want to import foreign products.” The factory director replied, “Okay, but electricity was invented by Franklin, electric lights were invented by Edison. In this case, we have to ask the leader to light candles!”
81. The Poor Light Production Brigade
During the Cultural Revolution place names were supposed to reflect the revolutionary spirit. Our brigade was called the Flower Brigade, the leaders said, “What? Flowers and grass are associated with the bourgeoisie! Therefore the Flower Brigade was ordered to change its name to “Red Light Brigade”. Once the whole commune held a conference, the commune party secretary was from another region. and a big tongue, often pronounced “red” the same way as “poor”. Before the meeting, the Party Secretary stood on the podium of the General Assembly and called out the names of the brigades attending. Turning to our brigade, I heard him call only to see him ask in a loud voice: “Has the Poor Light Brigade come?”
82. The Present is Better than the Past
Once upon a time, there was a famous restaurant in Changdi, Guangzhou, known as “Da Sanyuan”. During the Cultural Revolution, it was ordered to change its name to “Jinshengxie” [The Present is Better than the Past]. When Hong Kong or overseas compatriots back to Guangzhou, are read from right to left in accordance with the old customary way, it read as “The Past was Better than the Present”. So people couldn’t decide whether to go into the restaurant or not.
83. Don’t Talk Carelessly about Internal Party Matters
During the years of criticizing Lin Biao and Confucius, the commune organized all the Communist Party members to go to Shaoshan to pay homage at Mao Zedong’s birthplace. An old party member, who had been very tough during Land Reform [Note: over a million landlords or other inconvenient people were killed in the early 1950s during land reform] and had a very strong party spirit. When he urinated on the train, he could not open the toilet door to get out and so was stuck in the toilet for half a day. The conductor found out and released him. The whole trip, other party members joked about it. The old party member just smiled nervously, and the party members forgot all about it after they returned to the village. One day, a party member suddenly remembered, and told the joke. Unexpectedly, the old party member was furious: “Communist Party members do not talk carelessly about internal Party matters!”
84. One Sentence is Worth more than Ten Thousand Sentences
During a mass meeting, someone shouted out a slogan: “One sentence of Chairman Mao’s words is worth ten thousand sentences of anyone else’s!” In the meeting hall of thousands of people, the crowd echoed his words in unison. But an old man in the first row with white hair shook his head frequently and muttered something. He did not seem to approve. The rebel faction leader was furious and ordered some rebel faction officers: “Arrest that reactionary who is shaking his head!” The young rebels went over a nimbly, gathered the old man up and took him to an empty room, punched and kicked him, exclaiming, “We’ve caught a real counter-revolutionary!” The rebel faction leader sat upright, his eyes wide open: “How dare you deny that Chairman Mao’s sentences are not worth ten thousand sentences from someone else! you are just a reactionary! The old man straightened his neck and cried out: “I’m innocent, I didn’t mean it!” “Then what do you mean by shaking your head when I speak?” “I just want to say that a sentence from the Chairman is not worth ten thousand sentences from another, it is worth more than that!!!” The rebel faction head was shocked and hurriedly got down from his seat, untied him, lifted him up with both hands, apologizing: “I misunderstood, I misunderstood, I don’t think I understood Chairman Mao’s words as well as you do!”
85. Changing a Surname
During the Cultural Revolution, the leader of a production brigade in Shanxi Province, to show that the whole brigade loved Chairman Mao, had everyone in the entire brigade change their surnames to Mao, numbered in order, called Mao I, Mao II, Mao III while daughters-in-law are given the surname Jiang for Jiang QIng when they marry into a production brigade family. When Chairman Mao died a few years later, they also sent a letter of condolence to Jiang Qing. Soon after the collapse of the Gang of Four, Jiang Qing was arrested, and the daughters-in-law were up in arms: “Hurry up and give me back my original surname, or I’ll get a divorce!” So all the names of all people were switched back to what they had been before.
86. Your Father Too
At the criticism meeting, a Red Guard leader sternly scolded a “broken shoe” (female): “Who have you had sex with? Tell us honestly! Once the question was asked, she gave a name, and there was a gasp of surprise. There weren’t many people in the factory so everybody knew everybody else. If a name got mentioned, their reputation would be ruined. So many “hidden class enemies” were exposed that the Red Guard leader got very excited: “Who else? Tell us!” . “Your father too!” –The “broken shoe” had no choice but to say the name of that last person. Everybody laughed. Both the people who were being struggled against by the crowd and the crowd itself were laughig. The Red Guard hurriedly squeezed through the crowd and fled.
87, Zhang Chunqiao Takes the Train
Zhang Chunqiao took the express train to Shanghai. Suddenly, the train braked. Stopping and not moving for a long time. Zhang Chunqiao called someone to find the engineer. Zhang asked him sternly: “Why did you decide to stop?” The engineer said, “Leader, you instructed ‘better late as a socialist than punctual as a capitalist’. With you on the train, how could I dare drive a punctual train?”
88. Drunkards’ Art
Student: “Teacher, I have looked at many paintings from the Cultural Revolution period, and the faces of the characters are all red like drunkards.”
Teacher: “Because all that art was made by drunkards.”
89. An Extraordinary traitor
Old Wang when he was young left home to join the Eighth Route Army. When the Cultural Revolution began he became the head of a section-level unit. When the revolutionary masses held a criticism meeting and forced him to confess his shortcomings, he confessed that in a certain month he swept the public leaves for firewood, in a certain month he took over the public land to grow vegetables during the famine. One month the public kitchen gave him a few steamed buns, and so forth. People accused him of “talking about the small things but not the big things”. In the midst of the roar of accusations of “not talking about the big things”, he shivered and said: “That year, the Japanese devils entered China, that was my… I led them in!”
90. The Heart’s Desire
During the Cultural Revolution, there was a group of people who specialized in making reports on “remembering the bitterness and sweetness”, and the best of them were frequently invited by various places. One young farmer was famous for his reports, always speaking with emotion and tears, and the whole audience was sad and angry together with him, and the slogans shook the earth. The number of reports, the village friends a little puzzled, asked him why every time he can really cry real tears. He said: “I can’t remember before the liberation, so where is the bitterness and hatred? I can’t begin to tell you the sufferings I endured in my past life. My trick is that I talk about the pre-liberation period, but I think about 1960.” [Note: one of the years of the Great Famine]
91. Revisionist History
During the Cultural Revolution, a university professor of history made a fortune by criticizing Lin Biao and Confucius. One day, he hosted a discussion on a historical event with the faculty of his department. There was a long silence. Despite repeated promptings from the moderator, only one teacher spoke. He said, “I will not speak because the chairman of the meeting has already spoken very thoroughly, and he is an expert at revising history.”
92. Not a Thing
A rural man went to the Xinhua bookstore to buy a statuette of Chairman Mao. The clerk only heard him say the word “buy” and glared at him, saying, “Chairman Mao’s statue can only say please, can not say buy!” When the farmer heard that, he hurried to admit his mistake. The clerk said again, “Not to me, but to Chairman Mao.” The peasant had to confess his mistake to Chairman Mao instead. The farmer took the statuette from the clerk and turned around and left without paying. The clerk reminded him from behind: “You haven’t paid yet?” The peasant turned back to her and asked, “Pay for what?” The clerk said again, “Pay for what? How can you buy something without paying for it?” The peasant caught on: “You are a counter-revolutionary, how dare you say that Chairman Mao is an “it “”.” Upon hearing this, the shopkeeper dared not say anything and watched him take away the statuette of Mao Zedong.
93. Counter-revolutionary Farting
At a meeting to study “Selected Works of Chairman Mao”, someone farted. The leader of the propaganda team presiding over the meeting was furious: “Our great leader Chairman Mao taught us that no farts are allowed. How dare you openly fart in the meeting to study “Selected Works of Chairman Mao”. This proves that you have sinister intentions.” That is how that person was convicted of “counter-revolutionary farting”!
94. The Cultural Revolution Version
When I was young, I read a copy of the “Newlywed Couple’s Handbook” published during the Cultural Revolution. Opening it, I saw at the top half of page one a quotation of Chairman Mao in a red frame: Fight private interests and criticize revisionism! Confused, we paged through the handbooks to page x where we saw: “Revolutionary couples on their wedding night, must first unite, then excited, gradually advance in an orderly fashion, following the principle of going from the shallow to the deep. Especially male comrades in the beginning, pay special attention to be modest, prudent, humble, patient, careful and loving of revolutionary female comrades.” The next page on page x goes on to write, “It is not advisable for revolutionary couples to carry on a movement that is both deep and protracted each time, so as not to interfere with rest. It is important to get sufficient sleep so that the next day you can go into the fiery revolutionary work with full passion.”
95. Not Knowing the Sky is High
Wang Hongwen [one of the Gang of Four], whose career took off in the rebel faction during the Cultural Revolution, was elected vice Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party’s Central Committee at the Party’s “Tenth Congress”. He often posed as a revolutionary in front of Zhu De and other old fathers of the revolution. One day Wang Hongwen went to see Zhu De, who was disdainful of his presumptuousness and didn’t deign to speak to him. Zhu just pointed to the sky with his cane and then poked the ground. Wang Hongwen did not know what it meant. He chewed on this for quite a while but still didn’t understand. Finally he went to ask Deng Xiaoping for advice. Deng Xiaoping lectured him: “You still don’t understand? He is saying that you don’t know that the sky is high.”
96.Standing on Egg Shells
One day, Wang Hongwen went to Zhu De, who responded very coldly to Wang’s arrogance. Suddenly, Zhu De asked Wang Hongwen to stand up the eggs on the table. Wang Hongwen thought that would be hard and wouldn’t be able to do it so he walked away. Wang Hongwen went back to Deng Xiaoping for advice. Deng Xiaoping picked up the egg, while saying “It’s easy! easy!”, He knocked it on the table and the egg stood. Wang Hongwen, shocked, “Didn’t the egg break?” Deng Xiaoping replied carelessly, “If I don’t break it, it can’t stand?”
97. Which Couple of Dog Offspring?
Once there was a meeing combining discussion of the “9-13” Lin Biao Defection Incident with a meeting to “Remember the bitter old days and thinking about what we have today”. When it came to the turn of Poor and Lower Middle Peasants Association Vice Chairman Zhang Yang to speak, she was very angry about what she had heard. She said, “Chairman Mao led us out of oppression to become masters in our own house and live good lives. But that son of a bitch Lin Biao, what did he think he was doing? He dared to think of harming Chairman Mao. That day I heard the news, I got very angry, when I got home from work before even going through the door, I tore down the portrait of those two dog offspring — Lin Biao and his wife — rolled it up into a ball and shoved it into the toilet pit” We didn’t pay too much attention after that. We sat together with a few young people quietly sharing winks, asking quietly: “Which couple of dog offspring? And dared not laugh.
98. It Doesn’t matter whether Deng Xiaoping Goes Rock-a-bye or Not
On August 16, 1976, Jiang Qing went to a village in Tianjin and complained to the farmers: “You know about the Lin Shaoqi – Deng Xiaoping Black Headquarters right? Liu Shaoqi was finished off long ago, but Deng Xiaoping is still running rampant. He is both Chairman and General Manager of Deng Rumor Mongering company. He spins out rumors slandering Chairman Mao, he makes rumors against me, makes rumors slandering revolutionary comrades. He made Mao Chairman. Chairman’s rumor, make my rumor, make the revolutionary comrades of the rumor ……” an old lady can not understand and said to the person holding a baby standing opposite her the rhyme: : “rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye grandmother’s bridge, grandmother called me good baby, what does it matter to her whether Xiaoping goes rock-a-bye or not “
99. Wants to Eat Whether or Not
During the Cultural Revolution, whenever there was a major criticism campaign going on at a school, the students didn’t study very much and often didn’t write their character correctly. A student wrote to his dad, asking for apricots, and ended up writing apricots as no. The father laughed and sent a basket of apricots to his son with a poem: “My son wrote a letter wanting to eat apricots, so father was busy looking around to find them. Now I will send you a basket of apricots, I wonder if it is whether or not whether?”
100. No Need to Read What You Have Written?
A very poorly-educated Party Secretary went to a high school to report to teachers and students about the great achievements of the Cultural Revolution. His personal secretary, afraid that when he finished reading a page would not know to turn the page, wrote the following note: “next page”. When the secretary was reading, he also read out the “next page”. The secretary went over and over and said, “You don’t need to read those three words.” The Party secretary was furious: “Why do you write something that is not worth reading?”
文化大革命~文革笑话100例
1、“金”不如“锡”：
生产队晚上召开大会，老队长根据县委和公社的指示，要社员们狠狠批判“今不如昔”的反动谬论。可是开了大半夜，没有一个人发言，因为大家都觉得的确是今不如昔嘛，怎么批判？老队长没有办法，只好启发大家说：“怎么会今不如昔呢！金子多少钱一斤？锡多少钱一斤？”社员们一听，纷纷批判：“真是胡说八道，金子肯定比锡贵嘛！”
2、公有财产
一次开批斗大会，正在批斗一位教师，突然上来一位女人，大家认识她就是这位教师的妻子，她和革委会头头的不正当关系早已不是什么秘密，只听她指控道：“他长期反对毛主席，反对党，而且，把我当成他的私有财产……”大家一听就知道这出于那位头头的授意，想为教师打抱不平。只见有位学生跳上台来斥责说：“在社会主义的中国，怎么能允许这种事情发生呢？你怎么能把你妻子当成你的私有财产呢？一定要把她当成公有财产！”
3、老婆一群
一个大队干部，目不识丁，耳朵又背。听罢关于“九·一三”林彪事件的传达后，回去对老百姓讲：“林秃子想害毛主席，没得手，开上飞机往苏联跑。那驴日的不是个东西，临走时把马克思的猪皮大衣（马克思列宁主义）给偷走了，还带着老婆一群（叶群），结果没跑掉，把三只鸡（三叉戟）也给摔断了。”
4、活学活用
文革中有一个时期无论办什么事．都要先念一句语录。有一位老太太去买菜，售货员说：“为人民服务，你买什么？”老太太说：“愚公移山，我买萝卜。”说着她就在大筐里挑起萝卜来。售货员见她挑来练去，很不耐烦，就在一边说：“要斗私批修！”老太太头也不抬，继续挑着，口里念叨着：“万万不可粗心大意！”
5、“万寿无疆”“和“永远健康”
一个老农学会了几句革命的祝词，总想在人面前卖弄卖弄。一日老农拎着一大一小两兔子去集上卖。因要急着回家，价格比较便宜。有人怀疑地问：你这兔子不是病兔吧？老农急忙答道：“您放心，俺这两只兔子，一只是万寿无疆，一只是永远健康！”
6、《智取威虎山》（一）
礼堂演出革命现代京剧《智取威虎山》。杨子荣打虎上山，在威虎厅和三爷（座山雕）叫劲，比着打吊灯。三爷一枪打灭一盏油灯，众匪徒叫道：“好！好！”杨子荣振臂一甩，一枪打灭两盏灯，众匪徒又叫道：“好，一枪打俩！”又有一回演出，三爷一枪出去，管道具的一不小心，关了两盏灯，众匪徒叫道：“好哇，一枪打俩！”管道具的一听，心说不好，这可咋办呐？俺们英雄人物可不能输给座山雕哇，这可是个原则问题。等到杨子荣振臂一甩时，他把个总电闸给关了。众匪徒也不含糊，齐嚷道：“好哇，一枪把保险丝都打断了！”
7、《智取威虎山》（二）
大剧团演《智取威虎山》，在县里演没电，用砸炮。有一次杨子荣枪毙栾平，唱完那段“快板”后一把勒紧栾平举枪就打。后面铆足了劲砸下去，臭炮，没响。杨子荣不愧是大智大勇的英雄同志。他又说了一句：“我代表人民”，又一挥枪，没响。急了，“我代表党”，还是没声。总不能这么老耗着呀，栾平的后脖子都快给勒死了。杨子荣一脚把栾副官踢了下去，骂了一声“去你妈的！”转身插枪入腰间。后台看也没看，“砰”的就是一下，这次响了。正打在子荣的命根子上面。
8、大粪要紧
几个早起积肥的知青各挑着一担大粪匆匆地走着。忽然走在前头的那个人不小心滑倒了，挑的大粪泼洒一地。几个同伴赶紧放下担子，上前去正要扶他起来。跌倒者奋力挣开同伴的搀扶，手指着正满地流淌的粪水，慷慨激昂、铿锵有力地说道：“同志们，不要管我，抢救公社的大粪要紧！”
9、还了九屁股债
四人帮横行时期，县委宣传部小李到乡下搜集“形势大好”的典型事例，参加座谈会的群众一言不发。在小李的再三启发下，马大爷开腔了：“要说形势嘛，那当然是大好。去年我一家5口，4个壮劳力，干了一年，十屁股的债就还了九屁股。你说好不好？”小李接控道：“是好，是好！”马大爷气鼓鼓地说：“可我还欠一屁股的债呢！”众人大笑。
10、家庭出身
文革时期，人走在街上随时都会被揪出来唱语录歌，问家庭出身和个人成分等，所以搞得人人都特紧张。有一哥们病了，去看医生。开过方子，让打针。走进护士室，一年青女护士说打臀部，让他做好准备姿势。那哥们一不小心，裤子掉地上了。护士以为他耍流氓，大怒，喝道：“畜牲！”那哥们吓一跳，马上立正，答道：“出身？贫农！”护士一听，更加生气，骂道：“二流子！”那哥们连忙答道：“二舅子也是贫农！”
11、念念有词
文革中，人们办事都要背毛主席语录。有一天，一对夫妻打架打得不可开交，跑到公社革委会打离婚。公社干部调解道：“要团结，不要分裂，你们知道不？”女的高声嚷道：“下定决心，我要离婚！”男的一听，急了：“排除万难，我坚决不干！”公社干部火了，冲他们来了句：“抓革命，促生产，家庭小事我不管。”女的不服气，拉住公社干部道：“全心全意，俺偏偏要离！”男的听了也拉住公社干部说道：“为人民服务，你不能大人小孩全不顾！”公社干部冲这夫妻俩说道：“为人民服务不能忘，坚持原则咱不能乱盖章，你俩还是回去过你们的好时光。”
12、打到我爹
文革时常开批斗会，一次某人老爸被抓上台批判。大会结束时有人要他高呼口号与其父决裂，划清界线，只见他冲到台前振臂高喊：“打倒我爹！打倒我爹！”这时众人也跟着齐呼：“打倒我爹！打倒我爹！”
13、批林批孔大会
某单位召开批林批孔大会，台上一男高音与一女高音正领着全场的人喊口号：（领）打倒林彪！（众）打倒林彪！（领）打倒孔老二！（众）打倒孔老二！（领）狠批克己复礼！（众）狠批克己复礼！…… 口号呼毕，正在领导发言之前，会场出现短暂的宁静。就在这时传达室的老张匆匆跑到后台来，对坐在大会主席台的领导大叫：“王主任有电话！”于是乎全场群众一起跟着振臂高呼：“王主任有电话！”
14、刻薄妇女
生产队召开批林批孔大会，狠批孔老二。领导说：“孔老二鼓吹什么‘克己复礼’，可是他自己就没有做到，和那个南子（卫灵公的夫人，宋国人，生得十分俏丽，富有风情。很多人追捧过她。孔子也见过她，孔子的学生很不满意）在一起鬼混。这时一个妇女站起来愤怒地控诉说：”孔老二真不是个东西！他自己不娶老婆，和一个蓝子瞎搞，眼里哪有我们妇女？真是刻薄妇女啊！”
15、三改婚联
文革期间，有一老贫农的儿子准备五·一结婚。于是拟了一副婚联：两个节约能手；一对勤俭夫妻——勤俭持家。生产队的批林批孔小组长见了，说：“你们不关心集体生产，只顾勤俭持家，这不是搞资本主义自发吗？”老贫农听了，只得将对联改成：两个生产能手；一对劳动夫妻——劳动光荣。真不巧，大队大批判组长下来布置任务，看见这副对联，说：“现在天天大讲继续革命，这副对子宣传唯生产力论，不行，得改！”老贫农又将对联改为：两个革命能手；一对团结夫妻——相亲相爱。恰好，公社大批判办公室主任下来检查运动，见到这副对联说：“阶级斗争是你死我活，要团结就要先斗争，相亲相爱不是调和矛盾吗？”老贫农听了，吓得连忙找人商量，于是又改为：两个斗争能手；一对矛盾夫妻——你死我活。对联改成这样，老贫农的儿子很不服气，他打听到公社大批判办公室主任也是五·一结婚，于是连夜将对联贴在主任家门口。第二天，主任的新娘一下自行车，见到这副对联，就昏了过去。
16、方言土语 （此一个应当耳熟能详）
一个地方口音很重的县长到村里作报告：“兔子们，虾米们！不要酱瓜，咸菜太贵啦！”（同志们，乡民们！不要讲话，现在开会啦！）县长讲完以后，主持人说：“咸菜请香肠酱瓜！”（注：现在请乡长讲话！）乡长说：“兔子们，今天的饭狗吃了，大家都是大王八！”（同志们，今天的饭够吃了，大家都使大碗吧！”）
17、县委书记作报告
大约是1971年，渭南县新提拔的县委书记在全县三级干部会上做报告，讲话稿事先由秘书写在县委专用稿纸上。这种稿纸照例有“渭南县委专用稿纸”几个红字印在每页顶端，书记也就一字不拉照念，所以每隔几分钟就有“渭南县委专用稿纸”几个字莫名其妙的插进来。听众开始摸不着头脑，后来就知道是怎么回事了。大家都憋住气，静静的等待那几个字从书记嘴里冒出来，接下去是一阵哄笑。然后平静下来，等待下一次笑声的出现。书记全然不觉，直到秘书走上前去小声告知那些红字是不需要念的。书记坦然一笑说：“我还以为红字儿是最要紧的呢，再说念一下也没啥关系嘛。”
18、１０和１００哪个大？
文革时期，贫下中农管理学校。这一天，贫管会主任到学校作报告，在谈到要提高教学质量时，主任说：“我们要尽量提高我们学校的升学率，今年要比去年提高十分之一，明年要比今年提高百分之一，后年要比明年提高千分之一”．．．这时，校长走过去对他说：“主任，不能这样讲，这样升学率就越来越低了。”主任斜了他一眼，愤愤地说：“我是没有什么文化，可我还是懂得１０和１００哪个数字大！你们这些臭知识分子怎么连这点常识就没有哇？难怪教学质量搞不上去呢。”
19、兄弟吵架
兄弟俩吵嘴，弟弟骂道：“你妈的个屄！”哥哥回骂：“你妈的个屄！”这时父亲走过来给了他们一人一耳光，训斥他们说：“吵什么，吵什么？最高指示，要团结不要分裂。他妈的屄不是你妈的屄？奶奶个屄的！”
20、老农照相
说文革那会儿，农村还不富，农民进一趟城就象咱现在出一趟国，相当困难啊，也没钱常来常往。一天，一老哥们头一回进照相馆，想照张像。便说：“同志，捏个影儿。” 服务员说：“行啊，多大的？”“五毛钱的吧。”“你要光的还是要麻的？”（注：即光面相纸还是麻面相纸）老农：“这个……，嘿嘿！实话跟您说吧，除了下河洗澡和上炕睡觉，至少要穿个裤头不是？这样吧，俺来个半光的行不？”
21、这本书说实话
江青问阿凡提：“听说你聪明机智，博学多才。你一定是博览群书吧？”阿凡提说：“我看书不算多，可啥书都看。”江青又问：“那你最近看些什么书哇？”“《看图识字》。”“放着那么多新书不看，怎么去看这些小玩意？”“因为就这本书说的还是实话。”
22、知青书信
毛泽东时代年青人不好好读书，写信回家时多有别字，闹出很多笑话。一女知青到边远山区插队落户，写信回家说：“亲爱的爸爸，自从和贫下中农打成一片以来，我已经愈混愈熟，晚上就和老大狼（娘）睡一个坑（炕），现在我的肚（胆）子也越来越大了。还有我的命（伞）也没有了，请把家里的旧命（伞）给我带来……”弟弟回信：“家里一切都好，不用担心，妈妈上吊（调）了……”
23、最需要毛竹
一天，江青得意地问老百姓：“等我上台以后，你们最需要什么？”老百姓异口同声地回答：“最需要的是毛竹。”“要毛竹千啥？”“编竹篮子！”“作啥用？”“讨饭去！”
24、喊口号
文革中，经常要欢呼传达毛主席的最新指示。这一天睡到半夜三更，突然遍布全城的高音喇叭一下子把大家全部惊醒了：“中央人民广播电台！中央人民广播电台！现在有重要广播！现在有重要广播！”此时，大家都知道：毛泽东又要在半夜三更发表最新指示了，于是，赶紧翻起身来，穿衣出门，敲锣打鼓到人民广场去迎接毛泽东发表的最新指示。成千上万的人不停的敲锣打鼓，过了大约两个小时以后，中央人民广播电台终于播放了毛泽东发表的一条最新指示：“一个人有动脉，静脉，通过心脏进行血液循环，还要通过肺部进行呼吸，呼出二氧化碳，吸进新鲜氧气，这就是吐故纳新。”毛泽东的最新指示发表以后，接着的事情就是通宵达旦的敲锣打鼓游行示威喊口号，原本整体口号如下：热烈欢呼毛主席一个人有动脉，静脉，通过心脏进行血液循环，还要通过肺部进行呼吸，呼出二氧化碳，吸进新鲜氧气，这就是吐故纳新的最新指示的发表！
这长的口号不可能一口气喊完，需要分成四段喊，结果大家排着队喊口号就成了这样四句口号：
“热烈欢呼毛主席一个人有动脉静脉！”
“通过心脏进行血液循环！还要通过肺部进行呼吸呼出二氧化碳！”
“吸进新鲜氧气，”
“这就是吐故纳新的最新指示的发表！”
这句口号造成的后果，好像全人类只有毛泽东一个人有动脉静脉，别人都没有。
25、吓跑了记者
文革某年，某记者刚从干校回报社。新头目命令他去采访当时红极一时的学毛著典型，一位“学活用”标兵。他擞精神上路，很容易就找到了这位人物。问他：“你原籍何方？”典型说：“我们都是来自五湖四海，为了一个共同的革命目标，走到一起来了。”记者不得要领，只好再问：“现在的生活还好吧?”回答说：“两干一稀，大家满意。”记者瞠目结舌，又问：“你家有几个兄弟？”回答：“全世界受苦受难的人都是我的阶级兄弟。”记者落荒而逃。
26、我翻身了
一天，街头围著一些人。一干部觉得很奇怪，进去看，原来地上有一个死尸，胸前还写上了大大的“我解脱了”。高干觉得刺眼，走去一脚把尸体踢翻了过去，尸体背面写著：“我翻身了”。
27、江青先走
精神病院两男病人都认为自己是毛主席，成天为此争吵不休，有时还会动手打架造成医院财产损失．医生终于忍不住了，将他俩叫到办公室，说：我把你们在小屋中关三天，等你们决定了再放你们出来。三天后，医生和院长来到小屋前，问道：“你们决定了吗？”俩人都说：“决定了。”医生于是将门打开，只听一病人对另一位说：“江青同志，您先走！”
28、顶一千句还不止
生产队开大会，学习毛主席著作。队长说：林副主席讲，毛主席的话，威信最高，威力最大，一句顶一万句。这时一个老贫农为了表示对毛主席的热爱，抢着说：“依我看，顶一千句还不得止！”
29、一个红薯
文革中把农村里的四类分子整怕了。一天，一个四类分子在家烤了一个红薯，拿起来往田里走去。这时民兵连长走了过来，分子一看，急忙把红薯藏进了破棉袄中。连长见他鬼鬼祟祟的，大喊一声：“你藏的什么？”分子撒腿就往人群中跑，连长死死追赶。分子想，不就一个红薯吗，给他算了。于是从怀里掏出红薯往连长甩去。连长看到一个黑乎乎的还冒着青烟的东西飞过来，以为是个炸弹，急忙扑倒在黑东西上面，一面大喊：“大家快卧倒！毛主席万岁！中国共产党万岁！”可是过了很长时间，没有爆炸，还觉得这个东西怎么软乎乎的？一看，原来是个红薯。
30、商店购物与毛主席语录
中学生:关心群众生活——给我拿支钢笔。
售货员:为人民服务——要哪一种？
中学生:我们都是来自五湖四海——拿几支让我挑挑。
售货员:反对自由主义——不能挑，买哪支拿哪支。
中学生:我们的责任是向人民负责——你就多拿几种让我挑挑吧。
售货员:在路线问题上没有调和的余地——说不能挑就是不能挑。
中学生:凡是敌人反对的我们就要拥护——为啥不让挑?
售货员:凡是敌人拥护的我们就要反对——不为啥,不让挑就是不让挑。
中学生:注意工作方法——有这样买东西的吗?
售货员:一切权力归农会——爱买不买。
中学生:打倒土豪劣绅——你这是什么工作态度?
售货员:友谊，还是侵略——咋着,你想打架?
中学生:凡是反动的东西你不打他就不倒——你以为我怕你?
旁边一个人见俩人的战争一触即发,就忙上前调解：要团结不要分裂——你们有话好好说。
中学生:将革命进行到底——我看还能咋着。
售货员:人不犯我我不犯人——我还能咋着。
中学生:人若犯我我必犯人——你当个售货员有啥了不起?
那个人见他俩谁也不肯停止舌战，便劝中学生一走了之：敌进我退——你先走吧,我明天再买。
中学生听了，就顺势下坡，转身而去，边走边说：别了司徒雷登——哼！
售货员如得胜的将军立即回敬道：一切反动派都是纸老虎——呸！
31、“万寿无疆”的延伸
文革中人们最熟悉的颂词是“祝万寿无疆”和“祝身体健康”。某中学生觉得颂起来还不尽意，就将这种祝愿的颂词延伸下去——“让们怀着最最崇敬的心情，发自肺腑地衷心祝愿我们的伟大导师、伟大领袖、伟大统帅、伟大舵手毛主席万寿无疆！万寿无疆！万寿无疆！敬祝毛主席的亲密战友和接班人，我们的副统帅林副主席身体健康！永远健康！永远健康！敬祝毛主席的好学生、我们的伟大旗手江青同志满面红光，永放红光！永放红光！敬祝我们的红参谋长康生同志日夜长胖！天天长胖！天天长胖！”
在贵州省，还有人祝贵州省革委会主任李再含为“我们心中的小月亮李再含同志比较健康！比较健康！比较健康！”据说贵州某县的人还“祝县革委会主任XXX同志勉强健康！勉强健康！勉强健康！”
32、万寿无疆与永远健康
老纪头成天听见喊万寿无疆和永远健康，觉得其中必有差别，按理说万寿无疆要比永远健康高一级，可是经反复比较发现有点微妙：“还是林彪合算，万寿无疆也没说不得病，永远健康多好哇！”
33、政治远见
文革中有个农民因父病重，急需用钱。在集上把自家那头值80元的猪只卖60元。买主反而怀疑地问：“不是病猪吧？”农民急了，脱口而出：“这头猪你买回去会永远健康。”当时每天人人都要祝福林副主席身体健康，永远健康！因此，有旁人立即告公安局。于是那农民得了个“攻击最最敬爱的林副主席”的罪名，被打成现行反革命，判了15年徒刑。1971年秋，林彪叛逃摔死在蒙古，那农民被无罪释放。出狱那天，有关领导向那农民道歉，并赞叹道：“你真有政治远见呀。林彪还在高位上，你就有孙悟空的火眼金睛，看出他是个大坏蛋，还把他比作猪，真是了不起啊！”
34、原子弹和鸡蛋
文革初，农村赶集，中学的红卫兵、小学的红小兵便扛着“毛泽东思想宣传队”的小旗，戴上红袖章，设关立卡，拦着赶集的农民背诵《毛主席语录》、《林副主席指示》。不会背诵或背不全的，红卫兵当场教会，背错出谱的，红卫兵轻则当场“消毒”，重则拉到集上“批倒斗臭”。一天，一个老贫农上街卖几个鸡蛋打油买盐，因为一条“林副主席指示”没有背下来，鸡蛋被扣留。红卫兵一遍一遍地教他：“毛泽东思想一旦被群众所掌握，就会变成无穷无尽的物质力量，变成威力无穷的精神原子弹”，老贫农却一心想着那换油盐的鸡蛋。当红卫兵让他自己背诵时，他结结巴巴地背道：“毛泽东思想……变成……”他拍拍脑袋：“变成什么蛋？啊，想起来了，变成换油盐的鸡蛋！”
35、血淋淋地表忠心
文革初期，红卫兵取代了学校的共青团组织。要加入红卫兵，首先是“红五类”出身的人，其他一般劳动人民家庭出身的人，必须要有突出的革命事迹才能加入。家庭出身为“职员”的学生C为了加入红卫兵，写了一份“血书”。“血书”以大字报形式贴在红卫兵总部的墙上。看的人很是吃惊，说那么大的几百个字，不流一大碗血是写不出来的。C以表现突出而加入了红卫兵。D学生对此很不服气。当着众人的面将领袖像章别在胸前的皮肉里，一气别了五个。鲜血流下，浸透了裤腰。他的“忠心”感动了大家，也加入了红卫兵。
几年后，两人上山下乡同在一个生产队。C对D说：“你老兄那是何必那么认真？皮肉白痛了。我的血书嘛，是蘸鸡血写的！”
36、皇城坝现在安全了
文革中，四川省革命委员会一成立，就决定拆去成都市的古迹皇城，修建“毛泽东思想万岁展览馆”。经过全省人民大献忠心——无偿献出“忠字木”、“忠字石”、“忠字草木”，再加上义务劳动，终于修成了展览馆。馆前还建了一座十几米高的巨型领袖塑像。开馆仪式引来了上万老百姓。一位从不敢出门的老太太也拄着拐杖前来瞻仰。仰望领袖塑像，她说：“皇城这地方这下再也不会出汽车事故了。”有人问其原故，老太太说：“那些背时的青头小伙子司机开飞车。这皇城坝前经常压死人、撞伤人，害得我们这些人不敢上街。现在毛主席在这里举手指挥交通，再也没有人敢开飞车了。”
37、关于蚕桑的语录
某地召开蚕桑工作大会，刘主任应邀讲话。上台打开讲稿一看，上面没有写最高指示，他立即打开《毛主席语录》，但从头到尾没有找到一句关于蚕桑的话，急得淌汗。正在为难之时，猛抬头，看见礼堂墙上挂着毛主席诗《七律·人民解放军占领南京》，顿时精神大振，对着话筒高喊：“最高指示——人间正道是沧桑！下面，我开始讲关于种桑和养蚕的问题。”台下众人先是一楞，紧接着哄堂大笑。
38、买肉记
春节前夕，一老太婆到肉店买猪肉。老太太说：买五斤，售货员说：“要节约闹革命。”老太太以为对方说要节约，别买那么多，赶紧改口说：“那我买三斤。”售货员见她没有按要求回答，再说了一句：“要节约闹革命。”老太太以为三斤大概还不算节约，又改口说：“那我买一斤。”售货员只得再说一句：“要节约闹革命。”老太太想一斤还不够节约？只好说：“那我不买了。”售货员很奇怪，问她为啥不买了？老太太说：“你不是再三叫我要节约闹革命吗？”售货员知道她误会了，解释说：“不是叫你不买、少买，你要跟着我回答我一句要节约闹革命，我才能给你割肉啊！”
39、你的屁股是革命的
专政队长来到“牛鬼蛇神”的住处，见一个凳子上放着一张报纸，报纸上有江青的照片，立即发现了“阶级斗争新动向”。他问：“这凳子是谁的？”一“牛鬼”说：“凳子是我的，报纸是我放的，但我一直没坐。”队长：“你就是坐了！坦白从宽，抗拒从严！”“牛鬼”：“我认罪，请罪！请求宽大处理！”说着弯下腰去。队长：“再弯！再弯！”“牛鬼”：“队长，我再也弯不下去了，这腰是有骨头的呀！”队长把他一脚踢翻，气呼呼地坐在凳子上。“牛鬼”惊呼：“队长坐不得，报纸上有中央首长呀！”队长一下站起来，口中不服输地说：“我的屁股不能跟你比！”“牛鬼”说：“是呀！是呀！不能比，你的屁股是革命的！”队长瞠目结舌。
40、我没有性欲
文革中一位女领导，某一天在一本杂志上的一篇文章中，她看到上面写着“性欲”两个字，不理解这两个字的含义，就问办公室一位年轻的男主任。这位男主任当然知道这两个字的含义，可他不知该怎样回答自己的上级，但这位女领导又催得急，他就回答道：“就是精神好，有精神的意思。”一天，这位女领导在开干部会议时候，最后说道：“本来还有不少事情要提出批评的，可是，今天我没有性欲，就讲这么多，等我有性欲了，再叫大家来．．．”
41、民兵发枪
想起文革中流传甚广的一个小笑话，说的是武汉民兵为了彰显民兵雄风，向当时的武汉军区提出给每位民兵配备枪支。就在武汉民兵成立大会上，军区派人来到大会现场并作讲话。该人语音洪亮：“我是曾思玉（时任武汉军区司令员）….”
停顿了一会儿，台下民兵们听来人自称是曾司令，马上报以了热烈的鼓掌。
军区来人又道：“派来的。”民兵们有些怅然若失。
来人接着又讲：“关于枪支的问题……”众民兵竖耳聆听。
“一个人一支，”会场又响起民兵的热烈掌声。
“是不可能的。”民兵们顿时颓然。
“两个人一支……”民兵们又起希望。
“是办不到的。”希望失落。
“三个人一支…..”会场无声静待。
“是木头的！”希望破灭，民兵们是彻底地无语。
42、６毛也要
一天,一位山东大汉进了一家水果店.用浓重的方言对那位漂亮的女营业员说：“同志，大苹果多少钱一斤？”女营业员听成了“大屁股多钱一斤!”气得她一拍柜台骂道：“流氓！”山东大汉寻思：６毛?!我买不起吗？这么厉害干吗?他也一拍柜台：“6毛我也要!”女营业员气急败坏：“出去!!”山东大汉想，这买苹果还问出身?于是理直气壮地回答：“出身?贫农!”女营业员?!
43、李时珍来了没有？
文革某年，一个外国医药代表团到上海访问，有个突击提拔的没文化的干部去接待。外国代表团团长说：“贵国李时珍在医药上的贡献真是了不起……” 这个干部马上大声问翻译：“李时珍同志来了没有?”翻译吓了一跳，急忙向他摇了摇手。干部：“ 噢，没有来，快用小轿车去接！” 翻译急得直搔头皮。 “喔，他在理发?不行，叫他马上就来。” 翻译无可奈何，只好凑到这个干部的耳边，小声说：“李时珍是明朝 ……” “ 明朝来?不行，一定要今朝来！ ” 干部恶狠狠地说。
44、有什么用不完的呢？
有一对夫妻结婚时，亲友同学送了满屋子的书和笔记本。客人散后，妻子望著小山似的书堆对丈夫说道：“这么一大堆书，卖不能卖，吃不能吃，烧更不能烧，用的话，不要说我们的儿子、孙子，就是到了重孙辈，恐怕都用不完呀! ”丈夫开导妻子说：“没关系，儿子死了有孙子，子子孙孙是没有穷尽的！我们的小书山虽然高，却是不会再增高了，用一本就会少一本，有甚么用不完的呢!”
45、断根毛
文革中取名往往有政治倾向，有一个家长的儿子姓段，为了表示紧跟毛主席，给儿子取了名字叫段跟毛，表示一辈子跟毛主席走。一个老太婆耳栍械惚常彼收飧龊⒆拥拿质，这个这个孩子告诉了她几次，这位老太婆都听不明白，不解其意，说道：“你父母取的啥子名字啊，怎么取个什么断根毛啊！”
46、交警执法
1969年的一天，一个非常漂亮的姑娘，用现在话说就是非常靓的小ＭＭ，骑自行车被警察叫住。警察说；“那位革命女同志，请下车。”女孩说；“没看到我是红卫兵吗？革命的警察同志，我怎么了？”“怎么了？你和汽车抢道了，不知道加强纪律性，革命无不胜吗？罚你跳个忠字舞。”红卫兵说：“好。”然后就跳起了“敬爱的毛主席，我们心中的红太阳……”女孩跳完了说：“伟大领袖毛主席教导我们革命是暴力，是一个阶级推翻一个阶级的暴力行动。”说着挥起一拳，打的警察满鼻子流血，然后高呼；“毛主席万岁！”警察抹一把鼻血，也喊道；“向红卫兵小将学习！”女红卫兵把毛主席语录一举说：“我们都是来自五湖四海，为了一个共同的革命的目标，走到一起来的了…..” 然后骑车走了。围观的群众一起背诵毛主席诗词：“小小环球，有几只苍蝇碰壁，嗡嗡叫……”
47、粮食放大器
尼克松访华时，在街上被“砰”的一声巨响惊了一跳，转眼一看，发现有人从一个“机器”中倒出一袋大米，顿时恍然大悟，转身对周恩来神秘的说道；怪不得你们能解决人口的粮食问题，原来你们有粮食放大器呀！
48、家长的训斥
文革时期，一个地方有个弱智儿童叫“兴儿”，从来没上过学。另一个学生总是旷课，老师屡教不改，只好请家长来。学生家长恨铁不成钢，当着老师面批评孩子：“报上老是登‘兴儿上学’（形而上学)、‘兴儿上学’，连兴儿都上学了，你还旷课，你让我这老脸往那儿搁！”
49、 动物吃植物
文革中一教授被下放道农村接受改造。一天教授正在田间劳动，忽然发现一头驴在偷吃麦子。可是他既不认识驴子也不认识麦子，急中生智，教授大叫道：“不得了啦，动物吃植物啦！”
50、读毛主席语录
某领导念毛主席语录：“人的正确思想是从天上掉下来的！”翻过一页，一愣，大声念道：“吗！”。
51、是死是活还没确定 文革时，某剧团编了一个剧本，交领导审查。张领导指示让主人公最后活着，李领导指示主人公最后应该死去。团长感到很难办，编剧说：“不要紧，这写两个结尾。张领导审查，就演主人公活着，李领导审查，就演主人公死去。”团长点头同意了。剧本修改好，张领导和李领导一块来审查了。团长急得团团转，编剧对他附耳低语了几句，演出就开始了。戏演到接近结尾时，台上突然宣布：“演出到此结束。”二位领导听了，一起走进后台，问：“戏为什么不演完?”编剧对他们说：“非常不幸，演主人公的演员忽然得了病，已经送到医院动手术，目前是死是活还没确定。”
52、哥达纲领导批判 1975年前后，全国掀起学习马列著作高潮。这一天，生产大队的大队长组织社员学习马列著作。只见他拿起一本书说：“今天我们学习马克思的《哥达纲领批判》 ，这本书的书名不好懂的，所以我先给你们解释一下。哥达纲是一个人，他领导召开的一次批判会，会后他的秘书整理了会议记录，叫做《哥达纲领批判》 ，就是这本书。下面我们开始学习……”（注：哥达是个地名，德国中部的一个城市。1875年5月下旬在哥达举行德国社会主义工人党代表大会，讨沦通过的纲领草案,叫“哥达纲领”。马克思著文对这个党纲草案作了批判。通称《哥达纲领批判》 ）。
53、给妇女大会作报告 文革期间，老黄曾被遣送下乡劳动，三八妇女节红卫兵头头要到当地某区妇女会上讲演，知道老黄会写，就逼着老黄为他写一篇讲演稿，老黄特烦这混蛋，就胡乱编了一篇，红卫兵头头竟一字不差地在会上念了：“我是搞妇女的，很有经验，最近我到你们下面摸了一下，掌握了一些情况。我是个大老粗，究竟有多粗，你们妇女主任最清楚，昨晚上我跟她就这个问题搞了一夜，开始她不知道我的长短，我不知道她的深浅，躲躲闪闪始终搞不到一块儿，经过多次交锋，将心比心，情况终于摆到了桌面上，伪装既然剥去，下面就好办了，我们针对焦点摆正姿势，一鼓作气，深入浅出，坚持不懈，直到积压许久的问题终于得到彻底地解决，真是一泻如注痛快淋漓啊！最后她高兴我满意，你看有多好！妇女同志们都站起来……”在场的妇女都惧怕红卫兵头头的淫威，全都站了起来，这时红卫兵头头添了添手指翻到第二页，继续念道：“了。”
54、批判邓小平 在1976年“反击右倾翻案”那时，四川有个工厂开会逼着工人“批邓”，不批不准回家。车间100多人坐在那儿没人发言。僵持良久，正作难呢。忽然间，有个老工人一拍大腿，痛心疾首地大呼：“邓小平他主持中央工作，搞些啥子名堂哟！他不抓纲，不抓线，不抓阶级斗争，光提倡养猪。嘿，邓小平喊大家养猪，还要喂大肥猪！那个大肥猪嘛，膘厚，脂肉多哟！蒸出来的扣肉、甜烧白、米粉肉、油汪汪的。人吃多了吗，胆固醇就要高呃！胆固醇一高嘛，冠心病、高血病、心脏病、脑血栓，跟着就要来哟！好恼火哟！你说他毒不毒，硬是毒得很啊！”他发言完毕，沉默了足足一分钟，然后爆发出一阵经久不息的大笑，批判会就这么散场了。
55、喊口号 10年浩劫中。某造反派头头卫东彪在武斗中被人打死。迫悼大会一切准备就绪，只缺一个嗓门大能领着喊口号的人了。卫东彪的秘书四处打听，终于找到了一个身高6尺，膀阔腰圆，祖传三代在镇上卖糊面粥的郑三，他要是喊一声：喝糊面粥来！周围几里都能听得见。秘书拉住郑三，亲热地 说：“郑三啊，我们的卫司令死了，马上要开追悼会，请你带着喊几句口号，怎么样？”郑三连摇头，说：“不行！不行！我不会喊口号。”秘书说：“哎，我教你，一点也不难。喊好了，我们决不亏待你。就一句：卫东彪精神不死，记住了吧? ”郑三重复了几遍，点点头，说：“行，记住了！”追悼会开始了，轮到喊口号时，郑三喊：“卫东彪不死！”秘书一听，糟糕，怎么丢了“精神”两个宇，忙提醒郑三：“还有精神！” 郑三马上接着喊道：“噢，还有精神！” 秘书急了，一跺脚：“他妈的，喊原来的！”郑三大声喊道：“喝糊面粥来——”大家一起高呼：“喝糊面粥来！”
56、“好马，快刀” 文革时，张三到样板剧团学样板戏，团长开导他：“到这里来不能只学唱戏，更主要是学做戏。戏做好了，可以当主角，升书记、部长……”张三说：“团长，我明白了。我这辈子不想做戏，也不想当什么主角，升什么书记。部长，我给剧团打水扫地得啦。”团长：“那为什么？”“因为我身上缺少两件宝。”“哪两件？” “ 好马、快刀。”“什么马？”“溜须拍马。”“什么刀？”“两面三刀。”
57、观感 文化大革命中，报上列登了一张江青装模作样在农村劳动的照片。记者为了听取反映，特地去访问老农：“老大爷，挑看了这张照片有什么感想？”老农长叹一声：“我很害伯。”“怕什么？”她抓文艺，我们没有戏看，她要是抓农业，我们就没有饭吃了。”
58、春耕忙 某知青点，插队者是一批音乐学院学生，平时不闻丝弦声。忽一日，公社组织宣传队，广大贫下中农对”再教育”对象表示信任，派他们登台表演。幕启，英姿飒爽的报幕员道：“下一个节目，小提琴合奏《贝多芬想念红太阳》 ”全场掌声雷动。贝多芬既然想念红太阳，准是个无产阶级革命派。音乐学院学生们堂而皇之演奏一段老贝的《F大调浪漫曲》。继而，准备演奏比才的《斗牛士之歌》 。报幕员介绍说：“下一个节目，《全世界贫下中农春耕忙》 。”
59、等不及了 江青与张春桥下象棋。一动手，江青就用小卒吃了张春桥的老帅。张春桥拾起头，两只眼睛透过一圈圈的镜片，直盯着江青。 江青说：“看什么？小车过河叫吃帅，这是我的绝招！”张春桥说：“这我知道，可你才走一步，还没过河呢！”江青笑道：“不瞒你说，我实在等不及了。”
60、为啥迟到 一次，中央召开会议，王洪文从上海赶到北京。几位老帅因有事晚来了一会儿，王洪文傲慢地问道：“你们为啥迟到了？” “我们没有你快呵！”老帅们冷笑了几声，又接着说：“你是坐直升飞机来的！我们是一步一步走来的！”
61、阶级斗争比该级斗争还要尖锐 文革是一个天天讲阶级斗争的年代。本地口音把“阶”读作“该”，通常都说“该级斗争”。大队书记到县里参加会议，新来的县委书记是外地人，说的普通话。作报告时讲阶（JIE）级斗争比以往更加尖锐复杂，大家要注意阶级斗争的新动向……大队书记后来后传达会议精神时说：“该级斗争现在已经不存在了，但是又出现了接级斗争，而且这种接级斗争比以往的该级斗争还要尖锐复杂……”老百姓说，斗争的花样咋这么多呢，我们怎么活呀！
62、忆苦思甜 文革后期，一个中学校长为了让学生体会今日的甜蜜生活，了解旧社会劳动人民的苦难，请了一个老贫农来作忆苦思甜报告。校长宣布：“现在请这位老贫农给同学们讲一讲旧社会老百姓的痛苦生活。”老贫农就滔滔不绝地讲起来了：“说起那个万恶的旧社会呀，实在是活不下去啊，饭都没得吃的，特别是那个1959年啊，饿死了好多人啊……”校长一听，大惊失色，赶忙跑过来对老贫农说：“不说1959年的，只说解放前的。”老贫农问道：“解放前？解放前我们没有像那么饿肚子嘛，怎么说？”校长马上对学生说：“这个老人家年龄太大了，身体也不好，今天就不讲了吧……”
63、样板戏《列宁在十月》 那些年除了演样板戏，也演过一些新编的现代戏。印象最深刻的是《列宁在十月》 。此戏据说无剧本，全凭着旧戏曲的八大韵去“踩水”（即兴创作）大剧团不敢演，怕犯错误，只有些班子小胆子大的县川剧团才敢演它,演员们在台上走正步，举手投足依然是旧戏中的大臣风范。花脸刘盛财演斯大林，在台上老是用手死劲捻松香粘的八字胡。我同其它演员串角，端端正正站在二位革命导师旁聆听教悔。列宁唱：【红鸾袄·二流板】叫一声约瑟夫孤的好兄弟，有件事朕同你细说端的，打冬宫咱还要从长计议，切不可闹意气误了战机。冬宫内到处有许多裸体，全都是大理石雕刻成的。斯大林唱：（同上曲牌）嗔一声敬爱的……（帮腔）弗拉基米尔·依里奇，三日前本将军已传话下去，打冬宫不准毁坏文物古迹，开枪不能朝着壁上的裸体，那都是尼古拉留给咱们无产阶级的。
64、 历史考试 文革一结束，全国恢复统一高考。一次考历史，出了一道题：“巴黎公社为什么会失败？”有的学生答：“因为没有学大寨”。
65、毛主席就在咱身上 文革间大兴忠字舞，无论妇孺皆手持红宝书，口唱忠字歌如疯颠状集体作舞，一老太婆每舞必大唱：“毛主席就在咱身（心）上” ，浑然不觉此大逆之罪，被军代表痛批：“你不要老脸也罢了，也不要老命了吗？”幸此老太婆乃世代贫下中农，其子女皆革命左派，后以大舌头为由掩饰了事。
66、重唱 文革中，有个造反派头头当上了文化局长，一天到一个剧团去检查工作。剧团团长陪同他到排练场，台上正在排练四重唱。他坐下来一听，生气地说：“真是乱弹琴，人家几百个人都能唱得整整齐齐，他们四个人四个调，一点都不齐，这是唱的什么歌?”团长连忙说：“这是重唱。”局长听了说：“对，是应该重唱，太不像话了。”
67、骑不得 一天，江青骑马出门游逛，见一个骑毛驴的老大爷迎面过来。就说：“老头儿，白色的高头大马我骑腻了，我想骑一骑你的小毛驴，过一过瘾。”老大爷慌忙说：“老佛爷，千万骑不得，骑不得呀!”江青怒形于色，说：“胡说！当年武则天敢驯服烈马，难道老娘连毛驴都骑不得?”老大爷说：“我倒不是那个意思。听说有支歌儿，只因为叫‘马儿哎，你慢些走’，这支歌结果被您给枪毙了。要知道．我的小毛驴走起路来比马儿馒得多哩。如果您骑上毛驴，岂不是三打两抽，没几天就把它折磨死了吗?”
68、哪里作背景 江青有一次到新疆，问一位新闻记者：“听说你走遍了山山水水，我想拍一张相片，你告诉我，选择什么地方的山水作背景最好呢?”记者一边思索，一边自言自语：“终年积雪的天山，风光秀丽的伊犁河畔，气侯炎热的吐鲁番盆地，风沙漫天的戈壁滩，戈壁滩，哦，对啦!”记者高兴地拍着大腿说：“首长，我看有一处地方．您用来作背景最合适不过了！”江青急忙问：“快说！什么地方？”记者答：“蒙古的温都尔汗。”
69、西北风少了 一次，张春桥窜到农村视察，对生产队长说：“这几年国内形势大好，你们这里的变化也很大吧?”队长不假思索地说：“最大的变化是西北风少了。”张春桥不解地顺：“为什么?”队长答道：“你们宁要社会主义的草，不要资本主义的苗，所以社员们把西北风给喝光了。”
70、想让毛主席看你们干什么？ 文革时候有个老头赶集，买了一个毛主席雕像，没法拿，就拿根绳子拴着雕像脖子，提着回家，走半路上就被捆起来了，说他想勒死毛主席。另一个人说，这不算啥，我单位有个更冤，买了张毛主席像挂在卧室床头，被领导发现，打成反革命：“你他妈的想让主席看你们干什么？！”
71、红太阳不睡觉 文革期间毛主席经常晚间发表“最高指示” ，红卫兵小将和革命群众照例敲锣打鼓，走街串巷，然后跳一段“忠字舞” ，并唱“红太阳光芒照地球，照得我们心里暖洋洋”，隔壁小孩从睡梦中惊醒，问：“妈妈，红太阳晚上不睡觉啊？”
72、你是哪个战斗队的？ 文革中群众分为各个不同的派系，某人从武汉坐火车赶回宜昌老家奔丧，坐进车里，被火车上红卫兵小将盘问：你是那个战斗队的？他老老实实回答：我是钢工总派。谁知道当年工人大部分是百万雄师派，结果被人家用腰带痛打一顿才算完事。车到荆州站，上来一些文攻武卫的小将，再次盘问，他因为上车被盘问答复错误遭到暴打，赶忙回答，我是百万雄师派。谁知道上来盘查的是钢工总派，又被暴打一顿。等车到宜昌，出站口被盘查，他学乖了，提前把腰带解开拿在手里面，问盘查的人：你是那派的，人家回答他：“我们是保卫毛主席的战斗队。” “喔，那我们是一派的。”
73、墨西哥郊外的晚上 由于造反有功，一个烧锅炉的工人当了厂长，他按部就班，让工人加班加点，还不准工人唱带小产阶级情调的歌曲，结果遇到庆祝“七·一” ，上面下达该厂除了跳“忠字舞”唱样板戏外，还必须再出一个小合唱。唱什么好呢？必须创新。这个厂长绞尽脑汁，怎么也想不起来，无奈他去请被打成“右派”的工程师，工程师告诉他：唱苏联歌曲《莫斯科郊外的晚上》 ，他赶忙下令宣传队编排，因为不知道莫斯科，传达的歌曲名字变成了《墨西哥郊外的晚上》 。
74、狼抓比狠抓还厉害 有一个生产队长因造反有功，被提拔为公社党委书记。有一天开大会请他作报告，他照着秘书写好的稿子念，“要狠抓阶级斗争”一句，因为他不认识“狠”字，念成了“狼” 。秘书在下面很着急，又没有办法。等到书记走下台后，这个秘书急忙走上前去对他说：“这个字读狠不读狼。”结果那个书记恼火地骂道：“你一个白面书生懂得什么？狼抓比狠抓还要厉害。”
75、政治局会议 政治局开会，万里首先作书面发言，讲了一阵后，邓小平说：“你讲的啥子东西嘛。下笔千言，离题‘万里’。”陈云接着又讲了一阵，无非是鸟笼经济之类。邓小平说：“陈云陈云，陈词滥调，人云亦云。”邓小平自己接着讲如何在2000年前达到小康水平。陈云讽刺他说：“小平小平，你就只晓得个小康水平。”在座的华国锋没说话，因为没人听得懂他说什么。到这份上，大家都不想玩了。小平回家和孙子玩他最喜欢的老鼠捉猫的游戏。陈云回去看着家里那个鸟笼重新设计治国方略。老华吗，则拿着小学课本练习普通话。怎奈进步不大，把“防止资本主义复辟”还是说成了“幌子资本主义胡皮”。
76、很象飞行员 话说一日，小平出外视察归来，急急火火，马不停蹄，直奔中南海向老毛汇报。走到老毛门外，听到里面有调笑声，原来老毛和江青正在干事。小平不敢唐突，可又舍不得马上走，正在此时，屋里飞出江青的胸罩，不偏不差正落在小平头上。自古无巧不成书，当小平不知所措之时，总理从一旁踱步而出，看到小平，微微一笑，说到：“小平同志，你很象一个飞行员嘛。”
77、话要说得好听 某人到集市买鸡，认为喊价太高，说了几句不好听的话。卖鸡人说：“话不能这样讲。你说几句好听的话嘛，我还可以把鸡送给你。”这个便人说：“祝毛主席万寿无疆，好不好听？”卖鸡人张口无言，不敢说不好听，只得连连点头道：“好听，好听！我认输了！”
78、我还是反革命 文革中有位知识分子老是挨斗，每次挨斗前还要他写个“我是反革命”的牌子挂在自己的胸前。为了省去每次挨斗都要写牌子的麻烦，便别出心裁地在自己的额头上漆了五个字：“我是反革命”。这倒是长期可用而且经久耐用。后来他平反了，漆刮不下来，干脆在“是”的前面加了一个“不”字，成为“我不是反革命”。没隔多久，运动又一次来临，他又成了专政对象，咋办呢？有办法！他在“不”字下面加上走之底，变成了“我还是反革命”。
79、 老人家看不见 文革期间一对青年夫妇喜气洋洋的往自己新房里贴满了毛主席的大小画像和语录。后来有熟人就问他们：“你们天天晚上在主席老人家眼皮底下干那事儿，行吗？”他们说：“没事儿，晚上灯一拉，他老人家不就什么都看不见了吗。”不久二人都被捉起来打倒了。革委会的说：“我们伟大领袖能在迷雾中辩清航向，没有什么看不见的！”。
80、只好点蜡烛 一天，王洪文到某厂去视察。他板起面孔对厂长说：“你们一定要反复强调，引进外国技术就是崇洋媚外，崇洋媚外的产物我们一律不要。”厂长回答：“好，不过，电是富兰克林发明的，电灯是爱迪生发明的。这样，就只好请首长点蜡烛了!”
81、穷光大队 文革中地名要体现革命化。我们大队叫花地大队，领导说，什么花呀草呀，都是资产阶级那一套，于是花地大队便勒令改称为“红光大队”。一次全公社开大会，公社党委书记是外地人，又是个大舌头，经常把“红”说成“穷”。开会前书记站在大会主席台上依次点名，点到我们大队时，只见他高声问道：“穷光大队的来了没有？”
82、今胜昔 从前广州市长堤有一间众人皆知的著名酒家“大三元”，文革中被勒令改名为“今胜昔”。而香港或是海外侨胞回广州时，都按旧时从右到左读法，便把“今胜昔”读成“昔胜今”。搞得他们不知道进去好还是不进去好。
83、党内的事不要乱说 正是批林批孔那几年，公社组织全体共产党员去韶山瞻仰。一个老党员，土改根子，作风很过硬，党性特别强。他在火车上小解，不会开厕所门，把自己关在厕所里老半天。列车员发现了，才把他放了出来。一路上党员们都拿这事开玩笑。这位老党员只是憨厚的笑，回村后党员们就忘了这件事儿。有天，一位党员忽然想了起来，就说了这个笑话。不料那老党员勃然大怒：“党内的事情，不要乱说！”
84、一句何止顶一万句 在一次群众大会上，有人领呼口号：“毛主席的话一句顶一万句！”上千人的会场内，众人齐齐呼应。但第一排一个头发花白的老者却频频摇头，嘴里嘟嘟囔囔，似乎并不认可。造反派头头大怒，吩咐几个造反小将：“把那个摇头晃脑的反动分子抓起来！”早有准备的小将手脚麻利的过去，抹肩头，拢二臂，将老者押至一空屋，拳打脚踢，口中直呼：“可抓着个真反革命！”造反派头头正襟危坐，怒目圆睁：“你胆敢不承认毛主席的话一句顶一万句，你简直反动透顶！”老者挺直脖子，连喊委屈：“冤枉啊，我并无此意！”“那我说话时，你摇头什么意思？” “我只是想说，主席的话一句顶一万句，何止啊！！！”造反派头头大惊，连忙下座，亲解其缚，双手扶起, 连连道歉：“误会了，误会了，没想到对毛主席的话我领会的还没您深！”
85、改姓 文革中，山西某大队的大队长为了表示全大队人民热爱毛主席，把整个大队的老百姓都改姓毛，按顺序编号，叫毛一、毛二、毛三……嫁进门的媳妇都姓江（江青）。几年后毛主席去世，他们还给江青发了慰问信。不久四人帮垮台，江青被抓，媳妇们纷纷起哄：“赶快还我原来的姓，否则老娘就离婚！”于是所有人的姓名全部恢复。
86、还有你爹 批斗会上，一红卫兵头头厉声呵斥一“破鞋”（女）：“你都跟谁搞过，必须老实交代！”问一次，说出一个人的名字，引起一片惊叹声。厂里人不多，大家都彼此认识。说出一个人的名字，那个人就“身败名裂”了。挖出了好多“地平线以下的阶级敌人” ，红卫兵头头异常兴奋：“还有谁？快说！”。“还有你爹！”——“破鞋”实在无可奈何，说出了最后一个人的名字。大家一起哈哈大笑。斗人的人被斗的人围观的人笑成一团。红卫兵头头迫不及待从人缝中挤出去跑了。
87、张春桥坐火车 张春桥坐特快火车赶往上海。突然，火车猛一刹车，停在那里好长时间不开动。张春桥叫人把司机找来，声色俱厉地问：“为什么随意停车?”司机说：“首长息怒，您指示‘宁要社会主义的晚点，不要资本主义的正点’，如今您就坐在车里，我怎么敢开安全正点车呢?”
88、醉汉艺术 学生：“老师，我看了许多文革时期的画，人物的面孔都红得像醉汉一样。”教师：“因为那些艺术都是醉汉搞的。”
89、 特大汉奸 老王早年出家当八路，文革开始时当一科级单位的头。革命群众开批斗会，逼他交待问题，他就交待某年某月扫了公家树叶当柴烧，某年某月占公家的地种菜度饥荒，某年某月公家伙房给了他几个馒头，等等。人们指责他“只说小的不说大的”，在一片“说大的”怒吼声中，他哆哆嗦嗦地说：“那年，日本鬼子进中国，那是我……我领进来的啊！”
90、心想事成 文革时涌现了一批专门作“忆苦思甜”报告的人，其中最出色的频频被各处邀请。有位青年农民做报告很有名，讲起来总是声情并茂,涕泪俱下，全场人跟他一齐伤心、愤怒，口号声震天动地。报告次数多了，同村好友有点纳闷，问他为什么每次都能真哭真流泪。他说：“解放前我还不记事，哪来的苦大仇深嘛？上辈子的苦也说不清楚。我的诀窍是，嘴上说的解放前，心里想着60年（1960年）。”
91、修改历史 文革时期，某大学一历史系教授以批林孔发了家。一天，他主持系里教师讨论一历史事件。讨论会沉默许久，在主持人的再三催逼下，只有一个教师发言，他说：“我就不讲了，因为会议主席讲得很透彻，他是修改历史的专家。”
92、不是东西 一个农村人到新华书店买毛主席像。店员刚听他说一个买字，将眼一瞪说：“主席像只能说请，不能说买！”农民听他这么说，赶忙向她认错。店员又说：“不是向我认错，是向毛主席认错。”农民只好改口向毛主席认错。农民从店员手里接过画像，并不付钱，转身就走。店员在后面提醒他：“你还没有给钱呢？”农民回过头来反问她：“给什么钱？”店员又说：“怎么给什么钱？你买东西总不能不给钱？”农民这下可抓住理了：“你是反革命，竟敢说毛主席是东西。”店员听他这么说，再也不敢说什么了，眼睁睁地看他把毛泽东像拿走。
93、反革命放屁罪 在学毛选的会上，有人放了一个屁。主持会议的工宣队队长，大为震怒：“伟大领袖毛主席教导我们，不许放屁。你竟敢在学毛选的会上公开放屁。足见你用心十分险恶。”就这样，这个人被定为“反革命放屁罪”!
94、文革版的《新婚夫妻手册》 幼时看过一本文革时期出版的《新婚夫妻手册》，翻开一看，第一页上半身是红彤彤的嵌框大号字──毛主席语录：要斗私批修！咱懂个啥，稀里糊涂就往下翻，翻到了第×页，见上写：“革命夫妻在新婚之夜，要先团结，后紧张，本着循序渐进，由浅入深的原则。尤其是男同志在一开始时，要特别注意谦虚，谨慎，戒骄，戒躁，关心和爱护革命女同志。”第×页的下一页接着写到：“革命夫妻每一次不宜将运动深入持久地进行下去，以免影响休息。要保持充分的睡眠，以便第二天能以饱满的激情投入到火热的革命工作中去。”
95、不知天高地厚 在文革中靠造反起家的王洪文，在党的“十大”当选为中共中央副主席后，经常在朱德等老一辈革命元勋面前摆出一副革命家的派头。有一天王洪文有事去见朱德，朱德对他妄自尊大的神情不屑一顾，没有说话，只是用拐杖指指天，再戳戳地。王洪文不知何意，嚼不出是什么滋味，于是就去请教邓小平。邓小平教训他说：“这还不明白？这是说你不知道天高地厚。”
96、立鸡蛋 有一天，王洪文去找朱德，朱德依旧对王洪文的狂妄自大冷若冰霜。忽然，朱德要王洪文把桌子上的鸡蛋给立起来，王洪文苦思冥想无能为力，只好讪讪而走。为此，王洪文又去找邓小平请教。邓小平拿起鸡蛋，一边说着“容易，容易”，一边使劲往桌上一磕，鸡蛋就立住了。王洪文大惊失色道：“怎么把鸡蛋打破了？”邓小平漫不经心地回答说：“不破不立，这不就立住了？”
97、两个狗日的是谁？ 有一回是结合“9·13”林彪叛逃事件的忆苦思甜社员大会，轮到贫协副主席张杨氏讲她听见之后的愤怒心情。她说：“毛主席带领我们翻身做了主人，过上这么好的日子，可林彪那龟儿子，他咋个想的呢？胆敢害毛主席。那天我听了这消息，气得很，放工回家还没有进门，一把就把我门上那两个狗日的画像扯下来，揉成一团，摔在茅坑头。”她后面还讲些啥我们就不大注意了，坐一起的几个年轻人悄悄传递着眼色，轻声问：“哪两个狗日的啊？”又不敢笑。
98、管他小平摇不摇 1976年8月16日，江青到天津市某村对农民诉苦：“你们都知道刘邓黑司令部吧？刘少奇早就完蛋，但邓小平却还十分猖狂，他是邓记谣言公司的董事长兼总经理，他造毛主.席的谣，造我的谣，造革命同志的谣……”一个老大娘听不明白，对着抱的宝宝说：“摇摇摇，摇到外婆桥，外婆叫我好宝宝，管他小平摇不摇…”
99、不知是否不是否 文革时期学校只在搞大批判，学生没有好好地学习，经常写错别字。一个学生写信给他的老爸，想吃杏子，结果把杏写成了否。父亲看后一笑，给儿子寄了一筐杏子，还附诗一首：“我儿写信想吃否，忙坏老爹四处找。如今寄来一筐杏，不知是否不是否？”
100、不用念你写什么？ 一个文化很低的党委书记到一所中学去给师生作报告，讲文化大革命的伟大成就。秘书怕他第一页看完了不晓得往后翻，就在下面注上“接下页”。书记在念的时候，把“接下页”也念了出来。秘书急忙走过去说：“这三个字不用念。”书记勃然大怒：“不用念你写什么？！”
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